Alan Gordon Fine Arts & Illustration

     I know there are ad agencies who more than earn the huge payday with campaigns that produce windfalls of press and money.  I also understand that certain segments of the marketing world subscribe to the idea that bad press and good press can equate to the bottom line of sales, but that does not always make it right…does it? 

     I was listening to a sports talk radio show at work (not by choice) the other day when a local car dealership commercial came on, you know the annoying kind that every part of the country now has played over and over.  The details don’t matter, the premise is the same.  Come up with some violently annoying phrase, repeat it over and over ad nauseum.  Then this is how your dealership is remembered, as the “___” guy car place.  So what if it annoys people, they remember it right?  I am an old fashioned kind of guy.  Pitch me the product as is, for what it does.  Make a song, make it funny, make it stylish- but have some self respect.  I guess that goes out the window for the bottom line of the dollar.  I don’t understand that because my bottom line isn’t the dollar.  A dollar means nothing when you are dead.  How you live your life, how you conduct yourself- is not outdated, nor is it ever overrated.  This particular local dealership has had the opposite effect on my entire household.  We all said we would never-ever-ever buy a car there, just because of the commercials. 

     Pristiq, an anti-depressant medication launched a campaign about a year ago that involves a wind up doll.  The idea is that depression wears you out, and Pristiq winds you back up to be able to function.  I get that, but what bothers me is the lack of humanity that the wind up key doll presents on so many different levels- it shocks me that a company even ok’d this as their entire campaign.  Here are a few issues.  People fight against medication because it makes them feel dead, lost, out of touch, dependent.  Here is an ad that has a person as a soulless/non-functioning doll if they do not take medication.  This ad presents a medication that“winds up” a person, makes life doable.  That people are generic dolls alone, is creepy.  The knock that many mental health medications have is that they make people feel too middle of the spectrum.  That highs and lows no longer happen, that they feel dead inside.  So a company comes along that presents the idea that people want to be portrayed as wind up dolls?  Or as empty?

     Table manner rule number ONE with kids: don’t talk with your mouth full.  The current ad campaign for Side Shots grosses me out.  These claymation food stuffed items have their mouths full (I mean really full) of food.  It is either eally full of saucy food, or they have had a terrible bloody mouthed accident.  Either one does not make me want to try the product.  With marketing invading ever nook and cranny, every waking moment- there are bound to be major failures.  There will be unscrupulous companies, poor ethics, and those scrambling to suck every penny from anyone they can.  That is reality.  And if all of these people are scrambling to take my money, then I in turn; will be hyper critical of each bit of fantasy that is paraded in front of me.

 I would like to say that current advertising is an overload of lies and false representations, but isn’t that the history of advertising?  To exaggerate and misinform a potential buyer, to trick a mark out of their cash with tales of how much they need something, how much their life suffers for not having a particular product? To create a fear that makes a patsy desperate to buy the latest thingamajig?  Each new form of technology brings a new wave of how to sell products, how to promote whatever is being sold, and of course- how to steal from the easily duped.  In print, ads were crammed into every available space.  Look at any old newspaper or magazine- part news, part ad. The back of magazines and comics always advertised these amazing toys and gadgets for next to nothing.  When I was little I mailed away for the 100 army men for ninety-nine cents.  They came in the mail, and I was so excited.  Until I opened the envelope, and they were all 1/8" flat peices of plastic.  I wanted the x-ray goggles so bad!  They ended up being paper with pinholes in the lenses- how disappointed was I at 5 trying to see through walls with those?  In the days of radio, the products had verbal tales of wonder and shows were sponsored by products.  In TV, shows were broken up every 15 minutes with 5 minutes of commercials, product sponsorship became the norm.  Toys and cereal were sold to me at a furious pace on Saturday mornings- those kids looked so happy, I wanted to be them.  Movies had ads before the show began, and in the past 10+ years, films have been accepting regular financial backing for product placement within the movie- there are whole movies about products. The movie "Independence Day" (1996) had a Mac Powerbook save the world by infecting the aliens with a computer virus.  Apple managed to save the world, and come back as a company on the brink of extiction.  Emails had the plague of spam, and the web has had the disease of pop-up ads and personal profile mining from social websites.  Websites have had personal invasions of privacy with accounts being hacked to have bots send out billions of messages proclaiming the need to visit this or that site, or to try this or that diet. I am shocked by how many Nigerian princes are desperate to have their money placed into American bank accounts- to the point of offering millions to any human being willing to hand over their bank account number so they could deposit millions more.  Those Nigerian princes are rolling in it.

     Every generation has this flood of marketing.  But technology means more and more marketing is mining personal data from every single internet action in order to individualize the ads to target the right populations.  We become living targets for products, targets for promotion, and targets for theft.  Maybe it’s me getting older, but it used to be that the good stuff (news stories, movies, tv shows, music…) was interrupted by the annoyance of advertising.  But now it seems as if there is a never ending flood of advertising that may or may not be interrupted by the miniscule bits of good stuff.  It has become acceptable (and commonplace) to flood everywhere all the time with the lies of advertising, quick riches, and promotion.  Maybe I am just revving up to be a grumpy old man, but I am sick of the endless mantra of buy-buy-buy.  And I am beginning to seriously wonder how much (if any) of the endless stream is real?  Isn't anyone else tired of this, or am I the lone insane guy on the street corner holding the sign:  The end of the world is near?

     Is any exotic fruit a cure all?  Is any drink going to make you a better athlete or more awake for the 2:30 energy crash? Is any body spray/hair product going to make you more attractive?  Is a blanket with arms really better than a regular old blanket?  Is any fast food ever healthy and hip?  Will I stop existing without a smartphone that can do it all?  Is any toy going to make you feel good inside?  And, I am left wondering how to get off the ride when your whole life has become the ride?

Although I have a few books, I am not a conspiracy buff- nor am I a brain dead believer.  I read them for fun.  One of my favorite conspiracies is about the only sport that I am a monster fan of- the NFL.  The conspiracy goes that to support the Iraq/Afghanistan war, and to create a fierce patriotism post 9/11...the government and the NFL conspired to have the Patriots win the 2002 Superbowl.   Right, that'll create patriotism...the New England Patriots.  Most Americans don't even know what or where New England is...I’m not sure that would inspire very much at all.  So, I have a conspiracy, with first-hand knowledge.  I believe that Blockbuster is faking incompetence, and here's my convoluted reasoning.

I.    I joined the online movie deal only 6 months ago.  I was happy.  Happy is good.

II.  My Blockbuster (and many stores) look like they are overwhelmed and full of idiots that have no organization skills.  Piles of movies  sit all over the store, rentals and returns are stacked in teetering columns, and mounds of movies for sale, old popcorn and candy, and nonsense merchandise crowd the store. 

III.  When I joined it was $9.99/month.  1 movie at a time, and I was able to exchange my mail movies at the store -NO limit, and I  received a free movie or game rental once a month.  I watched a lot of movies.  a LOT.

IV.  Then Blockbuster changed the deal.  They said I could only exchange my mail movies for 2 a month.

V.   Then they stripped the free rental/game out of the deal.

VI.  Then the stores all changed their policy from no late fees (which is not true, they had a certain time limit, and then they charged your  credit card for the cost of the movie), to any movie HAD to be returned the next day by 11am, or you would be charged .99 a night. 

But they did this without notifying customers online, or in store.

VII.  Then they announced that my deal was no longer valid, and my fee for the same service was going up to $11.99/month. 

VIII.   Many times during this span, I emailed complaints that movies on the top of my queue (list...damn French) were being skipped even though they were marked as "available".  It was as if the support tech never even read my email in replying.  They never responded specifically to any of my complaints. Each one was scripted.  Imagine going up to someone and asking about the weather, and they respond with: "Thank you for your comments.  We at Blockbuster are happy to serve you and provide you with the best online service with thousands of movies available for just a click!"  But is it sunny or rainy? "Thank you for your comments.  We at Blockbuster are happy to serve you and provide you with the best online service with thousands of movies available for just a click!" ...ok, but I just want to know if I need an umbrella, is it sunny or rainy? "Thank you for your comments.  We at Blockbuster are happy to serve you and..." Feel the rage yet?

IX.  Through another source I found out that their distribution sites and proximity determine what movies you get.  So site A may have

your top movies, but because you live closer to site B, you get #4 on your list.

X.    I cancelled my service after only 6 months.  That made me sad.  I have enough things that make me sad in the world

...CURSE YOU BLOCKBUSTER!!!

XI.  The other night I was coerced to go rent a movie for my wife and sister-in-law, and I noticed 2 things that make my conspiracy valid:

1) Even though they have a huge sign that they have movies for $ .99 per night, all of the movies that have come out in the past 6 months are $1.99 per night, and $1.99 per day after that...even though they have NO REAL LATE FEES?!  I am not sure, but I think that charging someone after a "due date" qualifies as a late fee.

2) I was 4th in line.  The 3 people in front of me were all renting.  Every one had a late fee, or money due on their account due to movies not returned on time.  I watched 3 couples rent single movies, but paying a combined $6 to $8 for the newly rented movie and the overdue fees from their previous rental.

    I am sure that many of the policies and pricing will change within a short period of my writing this all out, but I think this is a planned look of incompetence.  It's a conspiracy for money.  No one complained- even though they were obviously annoyed. This perceived lack of competence creates pity, who wants to yell at a kid who makes minimum wage and can't help you anyway?  This also allows for Blockbuster to make whatever rules they want, and to charge anyone anything they want...kinda like the church...and I also think Blockbuster may have had an employee shoot Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll, and possibly are responsible for killing Christ and moving the football every time Charlie Brown went to kick it.

      Update March 2011:

     The lights have been dimming left and right in Blockbuster stores all over America.  The one nearest to my house has a huge going out of business sale sign. "Closeout sale on all DVD's".  Funny, all the DVD's are $9.99.  The whole store.  It doesn't matter if it is a Super Mario Brothers show from 1991 that you can buy anywhere else from $1.00 to 5.00...at Blockbuster it's $9.99.  Not only that, right before the store went south they changed their pricing policy for the millionth time.  New movies were changed from $1.00 a night to $4.99 for a 3-day rental. Which is a dollar more than ordering a pay-per-view without leaving your home.  This store had the world at it's fingertips, then they got greedy and dumb.  In the last months, while the chain was in the midst of a death roll- they decided to mimmick a dollar store.  Between the piles of movies they began amassing mountains of "as seen on TV" items.  Only, the "as seen on tv" crap they peddled was all $10-20.00.  Between apple peelers (really) and power washers (I got one for christmas from Blockbuster...really) and Twilight movie posters, it resembled a to-be-pitied busness model.

     We already produce as many bags of recycling as we do trash...but I feel a need to do more recycling this New Year.  I don't want to leave a mess for lil' Asher.  I do not believe in preaching, so this is just for me.  I'm just one person.  But if I change for the better, then I make a small difference.  I also pledge to avoid as many chains and conglomerations as I possibly can this year.  My money goes to better choices.  Some cannot be avoided, but many can.  I don't refer to this as a New Years "resolution", because it has steadily been made into a life change for a while.  I am simply pledging to put more effort into the change in order to independently better things. 

Here is a list of places that I will not go to this year, some I already do not visit- or have recently begun to avoid:

*McDonald's, Wal-Mart (You get what you pay for...junk), Sbarro Pizza/Mall pizza shops ($3.45 for a cheese slice...are you kidding?), Circuit City ( A previous rant tells you how I feel about this store), Exxon Mobil (Why is gas always more expensive there, and their profits soaring?) , Sears, Blockbuster (See following rant to know how I feel about this place- and the CONSTANT change of policy and service, late fees/no late fees), Irondequoit Suzuki and the "Huuuge" Hyundai dealership (and too many other sleazy car dealerships to mention), Pier 1 (Strip-mining culture with overpriced knock-offs), Dominos Pizza, Regal theaters (and most theater chains...$9+ movie- no thanks) Friday's (Crappy restaurant and frozen foods), Abercrombie & Fitch ($60 cargo pants...WTF?), HSBC & Bank Of America (extra charges and poor services), Boxed Lunchables ( a kids food with 50 grams of fat and 70+ grams of sugar...WTF?), I am also dangerously close to adding a moratorium on Major League sports (for lying, cheating, and RIDICULOUS salaries)...

Guilty pleasures: the NFL-MLB-NBA, Starbucks (even though I am anti how expensive they are for a frickin' cup of coffee), Barnes & Noble, FYE, Best Buy (they recycle electronics, but their prices are so high)

And those that I prefer due to quality goods, cost, recycling programs (lack of waste), or community efforts (but, I don’t claim these to be evil free):

*Target (their line of foods "Archer Farms" is surprisingly good, and a majority of their prices are low, but the companies politics are in need of an ethical overhaul), Wegmans (regional grocery, good food), Local pizza stores, Stereo Shop (local), Amazon.com (or local book stores), Old Navy (even though I hate their commercials, they price their clothes very reasonably), Bud Plant (art books), ESL banks, Time Warner (this may shock some, but they are great here in NY for everything from free HD to cheap and free movies- but they are on notice if their cost keeps rising), Red Box (movie terminals), Ashley Furniture...

     You wouldn't know it from this...but I have a discriminatory bias against hippies.  I grew up surrounded by fakes that reeked of Patchouli and Raid and preached the hippie value to anyone within earshot.  They got baked and claimed to be hippies, but did little beyond going to Dead shows and bong hits.  In reality they were just like everyone else.  Playing out a popular fad, but not really DOING anything to create a meaningful change.  It's not that hard to make a difference, and preaching changes nothing...only action can create change.  So I am also giving the big middle finger to and banning hippies from my life.  There is little difference to me between the MLB ballplayer taking steroids to break records (but creating press releases that he is clean), and the Hippie wearing Abercrombie pants, drinking $4 Starbuck frappuccinos and buying a Grateful Dead CD at Wal-Mart.  Go on; get baked and go to a Phish concert ya jerks.

  I like computers. 

     I'm not entirely sure what to do when things go bad, but I still like technology.  It's the future, and it cannot be avoided.  But it also does not need to own us.  That disposition of "liking" technology disqualifies me as a technophobe, and that's important because:  I do not, and have not ever owned a cell phone. 

Now, normally this is not even a rant worthy statement, I am not one of those people who parades around about "tv rotting your brain"...except recent events warrant me writing a short bit on this. 

     In recent months I have had numerous people tell me that they are getting me a cell phone.  That kind of ruins a present if you tell them doesn't it?  They do this because they know that I do not want it.  Even after protesting that I do not want one or need one, they still mumble something about getting me one.  They make this angry statement towards me simply because I do not have one.  Not because I borrow theirs (I never do), but just because I do not own one.  They must feel pity for me, or they do not want me to be left out, cast out, discarded- so they loudly declare "That's it! For __________ (insert birthday, holiday, bar mitzvah, whatever) I am getting you a cell phone!" 

     I have seen more than a few people even become angry with me for not having one using the "what if's?".  It always falls back on the "What if your car breaks down" or "What if you get in an accident?" or "What if you get kidnapped...catch fire...or trampled by a raging circus elephant?... then what'll you do smart guy?" 

     What if? 

     What if we did not live in fear?  What if we were not being manipulated by industries that tell us what we need in order to make money and line the pockets of those that are already wealthy?  Ask yourself the age old question: who benefits?  Do you want it, or need it?  Where has this NEED come from?  What if I wanted to talk to people face to face, instead of on cell phones or computers?  Better yet, what if I don't want to talk to anyone... or to be found?

     Cell phones have opened the flood gates to social rudeness, and I happen to still like good social manners.  People take calls at meals, yell into their phones in crowds, disrupt movies, have private arguments in non-private places, text while pretending to listen to others...Why?  For what value? 

     Is it fear of being lonely? Maybe missing out, or just a need to find some glint of acknowledgement that they are still alive and noticed?

     Not for me.  Computers and the internet and other media/entertainments suck away enough of my "real" life.  Maybe someday in the technology-laden future I'll have one implanted in my brain.  Until then I will just keep being amused by the look of sheer terror when I tell people that I don't have a cell phone. And I'll keep waiting on Big Bertha the circus elephant to trample me after I spontaneously combust beside my broken down car after my accident that occurred during my kidnapping.

1. (March 2007) How low is the bottom line?