"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."
3/3/21 The addiction of being wanted & Truh vs. Fantasy
I have been thinking about particular aspects of my psychological make-up as I age. There was (and is) a lot of self esteem, or self worth in my looks, or appearance. There are also many layers to my appearance. Not wanting to stand out, but also wanting to be noticed, fitting in, avoiding scorn, attractions. Setting aside all but one, the very deep raw feeling of needing to be wanted. It has a strong tie to the nature of my youth: the invisible child. I'm no great looking man, but I am not ugly either. That has been enough to satisfy the wanted need. That I could attract partners. That was a solid physical proof of being wanted. It was like a drug addiction. The high only lasted a short time, and then I had to go seeking another hit- even if I was still in a relationship with a person still providing a need. I had that need, I needed a fresh hit. As I have aged, this becomes a very painful need. It's one I talk to my wife about. It's one that I think about, and challenge the psychology of as it becomes twisted within me. It's a challenge of truth versus fantasy.
to be cont.
2/28/21 No time for the wordiness of words part II
With the chaos of the Trump failed experiment easing, and the continued push to create a fair society still working its way through the masses- it has been hard to sit and journal consistently. So, here again is my brain dump of random thoughts that influence my days and understanding, but slightly longer and numbered:
1. the fatigue and depression that I have felt are not a traditional sort. And only now, standing outside of the daily chaos of Trump can I clearly see that it is all Trump based, and traumatic. The daily hate filled bully based tweets. The unbelievably bold corruption. The lack of any consequence. The destruction of our social norms and gains. The isolation from our allies- this was very hard to take every day. Every hour. Every middle of the night wake up wondering "What has he done now?" It's a form of PTSD.
2. Social media is dangerous 3. Twitter sure as hell did the right thing taking away the platforms of dangerous people. 4. My goal for 2021 is to work even harder on creating and emotional reaction to my artwork. I go through a lot of varied trends of style and approach when I work. But this is a good goal. 5. When you don't sleep, the dreaming world bleeds into the waking world. 6. The invisible kid in me fears leading an invisible life with an invisible disease. My vestibular disorder is getting worse. 7. I really like a title I gave to one painting "Erasing my Memoirs", if I ever write a book, or have a large 1-man show, this is the title. 8. "Tomorrow comes like a suicide" 9. Don't talk big and act small, talk small and act big. 10. "There are things in the corners of this world, that if you look them right in the face- will drive you insane" 11. No one really wants to know how you are doing, or talk about Pandemic life.
1/7/21 A groundswell of decline
There is absolutely nothing American about what happened in our country yesterday. I have long said that conspiracy theory is dangerous. This is what it can build t. The default anger setting that we all have about what we are as a country. An uneven place where the rich and famous can do whatever they want, and the rest are waiting for the table scraps. If you put your faith in a liar, do not be shocked at the lies. And if you perpetuate those lies, what is your goal?
12/30/20 No time for the wordiness of words
I have been so busy making art and dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic at work, that I have not had enough time to properly come to my site to write. That means I am just going to brain dump a bunch of ideas and phrases that have influenced my art work:
Friends of convenience. The devil is in the wind. "As scream looking for a mouth"- Hubert Selby Jr. You can have your own opinions, but you can't have your own facts. "There is nothing so unfair, as the equal treatment of unequal people." Both the 'cancel culture' and the 'politically correct' movements frighten me. you either get smart and learn how to deal with your demons, or you become one of them.
I lost another inspiration at the end of October
"No amount of belief makes something a fact." -James "the Amazing" Randi
11/7/20 The Great hoax that will never see justice
I am going to carefully choose my words on this, because this is how I have survived the last 4 years- and countless years before. It is a belief system based in reality.
4 years of lies spewing from our countries leader- our spotlight to the world- went without ever really being critically examined. Any challenge was met with derision and labels of badness. Every critical challenge was a personal attack. The perpetrator played the victim. That was a daily event dominating the news. “Alternative facts” was a nifty way to say we prefer the lie to maintain our status. At least 2/3’s of the country was so worn down, so fast- that we gave up the fight by noon of day one.
That was the plan. Every law, every hearing, every appointee, every destructive social action was never held to the very clear & simple idea of: there is right, and there is wrong. There was never justice.
Wealth and power continue to do what they want, while the rest of us are in another system of accountability and justice. I have seen how heavy and hard that has hit and worn out the average everyday decent person. I have felt that weight myself crushing inside until I could not catch my breath.
And then 11/3 came as a mild relief.
I do not expect any miracles. This life when seen as a whole society, has never really been on a path of good for all of us. It isn’t going to change with Biden.
Our pandemic is utterly ignored by the government as we break daily records of disease and death. There is clear accountability that will never materialize for those of us being lost each day. If this should impact myself, or my family- I know who is responsible. I know what they deemed as more important than the safety of the citizens they are representing. I saw each and every lie, and each consequence forced on us- not you. You have, and you will beat the system. You will swim in money to never know desperation. You will sleep well as the “haves”, and never think of the “have nots”. We will not see a justice in this system. Your supporters will applaud your theft of every last coin in their pockets. They will pat you on the back, even as you stab them in theirs.
They will never see it coming. Some of you have won your elections. It will allow you to continue this clear treachery against your country and its citizens. That is exactly what it is. Treason.
Now, here is the point where the religious will say “you will get yours when you stand in front of God”, but I don’t believe in that idea of religion. It is not solid for me, and I need solid beliefs. I do not believe you will stand in judgement in front of anyone you can’t bribe or bully.
The common good citizens of the world, not America- the world. Those that are not frauds. Those who have a very real integrity deep inside that is earned in life. You are not really living life, you live a pretend version. We know our personal values, and see you as you are- frauds.
As far as Donald Trump goes, he lifted up the worst behaviors and traits of humanity. He held up being an asshole as strength, and will never know it’s really an obvious weakness. He was not the first to do so, he will not be the last.
His “base” expected greatness. They thought they would be allowed into the resorts. Allowed to taste the food, and be treated with respect and dignity. Just be loyal, and you will get yours -has been the trick of the wealthy echoing across time to keep raping the have-nots while claiming to love them. It always works.
Either know your history, or you are doomed to repeat it. Know yourself, become a tool in the plans of others.
The greatest trait I have is to know my own value.
Trump has no traits or value. He is a fraud in full view of us all. He will never believe that he is anything but a god that rules with lies because the money makes cheating easy. He is never really living, or earning anything. That is why he demands loyalty. Because his circle of frauds will turn because they have no reason to care. The dead don’t need to breathe, they just need to be. However, I know two things.
One, I know the depth of the lies he is using to keep his base loyal. To burn the idea of Democracy down to ash. To deceive. This is the propaganda utilized by Joseph Goebbels, to repeat a lie enough makes it a truth- eventually fails. History is our fact. That is why every single act and investigation of the Trump administration failed, except one. The tax cut for the rich. The rich passing that legislation for their own gain was an easy lie to sell to those believing it was their reward for loyalty. No truth is needed.
But the lies about the election, they must eventually have truth. Or they fail.
Which leads to the second thing I know. The truth of this election makes Donald J Trump a loser. He lost. He can lie about it. He can say he won, and will yell that he was cheated out of winning, but the end of the tale remains unchanged- he is a loser. And I absolutely know in all I have seen from him. The statements, the conspiracies, the lies, the wild boasting of self, the bullying, the bigotry - ALL point to one inescapable truth. He KNOWS that he is a fraud as a human being, and he knows 2/3s of the nation knows it too. It is so deep within him that he can never get away from it. It lies in his very core, his soul, the self hate and true image of pretending to live a genuine life- cannot be erased.
While legal justice may not ever be reckoned for Trump, this justice being carried out daily inside of his head and soul is very real. It cannot be bribed away. It cannot be denied. No amount of resorts or Trump crowds will erase that when he is alone with himself in thought reminded who he really is.
We all know right and wrong. We make a choice. We can collect valuables, bulky those lacking strength, cheat, lies, steal- but never escape ourselves.
10/3/20 "Cancel Culture" and the lines we are drawing
There are 2 ends of our social spectrum at war. Any big social change, or using the hip term "paradigm shift" begins like this: there is an introduction, rejection, push back, and then - overreaction, start again. Similar to a wave pool with just one cycle. The waves get smaller over time, but it also depends on where you stand. I am not, nor have I ever been really gung ho on the politically correct movement. Not because it is wrong, but because it includes so many people just getting to the waking up point, or to use the hip term "woke". The new people have an undeniable energy, and some older vets cannot resist jumping on the train. The new people have not yet been in the battle long enough to know the day in- day out fight. They overreact to everything, every word, saying, song, movie, book, news station and so on- is now suspect. I am 100% for old slang that has a dark meaning being deleted. I am 100% for slurs being deleted. I am 100% for labeling old ideas wherever they may be found for what they are. However, the wave pool is still moving and everything that is getting called out is not necessarily good for the war. We should focus on the big wave before the ripples. A racial slur is obvious. What is behind it is obvious. That is the real issue. Just calling out the slur, and moving onto the next hip word or song or book to cancel is not doing anything of value to create change. You cannot erase history, but you can learn from it. Whitewashing history and deleting it- are the same thing. That is not history, that's editing. That is where my issue lies. It is now popular to be the first to call racism, or sexism, or homophobia, or any other bias- for those just getting on the bus to battle. They have no scars. No wins. No losses. They have self-righteousness akin to the other end of the spectrum declaring religion as our moral scale. All while boinking the porn star and paying for her abortion and hush money. Neither end operates with a care to the majority in the middle, and the middle is what gets shit done. The middle knows the war. They have been there a long time. They also know compromise and respect. They know social and personal grace. The other 2 ends of the spectrum yell because they feel like ignored children inside. They have had their thoughts and beliefs pampered and protected from real life, and that is why we are where we are. Real life is not yelling and bullying. Real life is not getting your way. Real life is not something that can be bleached and sanitized into submission. Real life is not something that can be controlled. The anger for a demanded instant gratification from both ends needs to sit down, grow up, and shut up. Change can happen. Superficial change, and hurried reactionary change offers no soul. It offers a vacant mind. Real change accounts for most of us in unison for a positive change.
10/1/20 the Inktober boycotts
If you are unaware, for many -many years October has also been called "Inktober" It is a 31 day long challenge to make 1 work of art a day in ink. It was begun by artist Jake Parker. It began as a way for all to join in on art. It was inclusive, where art is often exclusive. For many reasons, it became less fun each year. And, true to 2020 lore- a huge controversy unfolded this past summer on Mr. Parker possibly plagarizing an artist to have his own book, and in copywriting the term "Inktober". I did not rely on was posted abbreviated article. I looked up the issues to see the whole story, there is a lot to the story, and many people did not look to see what was happening before calling a boycott. Whatever the reasons are here, I decided to make my own inclusive art challenge, art31- 31 days of art-making. And it is way more open than many challenges.
I have never liked the challenges with prompt words. I just do what I want. 31 days is a huge challenge for anyone. Make it easier and more inclusive- not exclusive. Art has done enough of that tired routine.
I will say this to all my fellow artists- if you are still making art each day this month- lots of love and support to you. If you have a job AND make art for 31 days, admiration and respect. If you are tagging your work with #inktober, don’t do that. It does not do anything for you in any way. It will end up in a pile of thousands of ignored artworks as a number used in a hashtag for someone else’s public relations. Make the art for yourself, and then post it anywhere you want for people to see, to enjoy, to think about, and if you can- even buy. The commercialization of art is everywhere else, don’t let it be in what you love.
You can’t make art for others. The making (or process of creation) is you “shaking hands with yourself” (modest mouse). Whatever happens before, or after- is open to anything you want. You want to put it on a t-shirt, in a frame, in a box, in the trash, in a deck of cards, in a Pepsi ad, on a business card, give it away, or set it on fire. All of that is ok. But not the process. Once that becomes tainted with other reasons beyond “to create and express”, you have already lost something. You may still end up with artwork that wins awards, and sells prints, and people golf clap when they see it, but you as the artist- you lose. The very rare exception, similar to that 6 year old that wants to play basketball, and actually grows up to be Lebron James, does happen. You can’t plan on your stars aligning with that type of perfection. You cannot say, I’m going to be Mozart. You plan on saying I am going to set the bar really high, to go beyond being the best That I can, by holding to an absolute truth. That your real art, made from a place of deep understanding- is worth it. All by itself. Without anyone else ever seeing it. If you can make and maintain that connection, you will never fail.
Yes. I am that artist. It is a highly personal experience. It is a conversation you have with materials and yourself. It is an expression without words, and if you are hell bent to be good, to be gut wrenchingly truthful in your style and communication- then it becomes as close as it can be to that so-called “religious experience”, without God. It is not some weirdo artist statement to say, in the acts of artistic creation, you are God.
9/23/20 Aphantasia and the former illustrator in me declare a truce
I have some new work started, but I have been in a rut of disappointment. To break out of that, I have gone back to a few recent failures to impartially look at the flaws and see what I can do to the work to refocus what I lost in the first go round. My biggest problems are when I faceplant a few times in a row, I try to put too much information into one artwork. That’s also why I was never satisfied with work that I was doing as an illustrator. I did not grasp the concept of simplicity once there was an editor watching. In sports that is called "the yips". When I start to feel forced and unstable, I tend to add too much to the composition and feel a need to rush to the finish. That never works out in anything I do. It’s always better to step away and go work on something else until you can come back with an impartial eye and make those hard choices to remove and rework. That’s been my way for a long time, which caused me to take a lot of risks in experimentation. Whether it was experimenting with concept, subject, or materials I know one truth- if it isn’t working, it’s not magically going to start to suddenly work. I have to be the one to take the steps. There’s no art fairy.
Maybe. Maybe there's an art fairy.
It has not at all ever been easy. With my mental limitation (aphantasia- I do not see images when I think), I have had to fight through countless failures. I don’t create in a traditional way. I need a sense of read and react spontaneity. If it is a more structured, rigid subject- I need to handle it in stages. Sometimes leaving work alone for weeks and months to get the bad taste of a false start out of me. I end up walking around every day with my head about 80% in the day, and 20% in all the artwork I have in various stages. My wife gets frustrated when I need things repeated. Yes, some of that is the dozens and dozens of heavy metal concerts in my teens impacting my hearing. Most of it is because I’m trying to figure out artwork with my brain being blind. It’s funny that this might be another example of my life having a lot of fence sitting. I get stuck between 2 opposites. I really want to know what it’s like to think with images. My thinking is all words and descriptions. I also don’t really know how long, or how much this has effected my life. There are certain skills and activities that come naturally to me, and others that I have not ever been able to do- in art and so many other parts of my life.
I was always just a bit off as an illustrator. I know how to physically create artwork. I know mentally how to "illustrate" an idea, but there was always something missing that derailed my work. The conceptual stage never seemed to have any weight, I always wanted to skip ahead and avoid it. I always felt like the artwork was stale after the sketch stage. It was only 4 years ago that a particular awareness came to me that my brain has a slight difference in function.
I'm mentally blind.
It is no disability, I assume that I have always been this way. I compensated fairly well. It is too long to plot out how I became an artist with this condition, but the summary was that I experimented with materials, and I failed a lot. But I have a way of cataloging what the materials will do, how they behave- at least enough to get the basics started. Then I was again blind. I can only try, and react to what happens. That does not bode well for an artist in any form of commercial art. There is a lot of inconsistency of style, and quality. That is a hard sell for any artist. I still have this problem. But, now I know that it exists. I accept it. I do not have to be any particular type of artist, or have one particular style. I don't pursue showing artwork, I don't pursue illustration. The act of creating the work is free. What happens afterwards- that will be where I see where it fits into a plan as an artist.
I think for any artist, a chance to break the mold you make for yourself is a high similar to sky diving. There’s a stretch where you are hurtling towards doom hoping the chute opens. I have this same mentality in a few other life areas. Innovation, improvisation, and risk. I developed this part of me over a lot of years, but only Now feel it in full bloom. I just said to someone yesterday: maybe it’s my age, maybe it is what I have learned- but I have reached that point where I don’t care what people think of me anymore. I’m open minded enough to be very comfortable with who I am all on my own, but not to believe that I am ever anything but a student.
9/12/20 Covid brain
In February, the Covid-19 virus began to explode, everything started shutting down. Everything started changing in ways that I have never experienced. time changed. Work changed. Social interaction, daily routines, grocery shopping, meals and so much more all changed. I wish I had a more creative skillset with writing, none of this tells the story of not knowing what day of the week it is. Not knowing what month it is. Working 10-12 hours a day because your come home to a remote office in your laptop with 150+ emails. Zoom became understood as video conferencing. As of today 7.3 million have tested positive in the US, with almost 205,000 deaths- and those are just the ones verified as virus related. My brain processes as if it is stuffed with cotton at the bottom of a swamp. Each day is a chore to stay on task. It does not help to have just started to sort through a 3-pronged neurological disorder, or to hear that diabetes is one of the 3 big problems if you contract the virus. Compared to many, I am doing good. The general mental health and frustration levels are on full display everyday with videos of outbursts, and news of even more mayhem. We have a current government administration that cannot tell the truth, and has downplayed or called the virus a hoax for months. Every day is 2 mixed messages, science and government teams say wear a mask, and then the president and other cronies say that masks are a political ploy. And to top it all off, if social media does not create enough issues for our well-being, it is now almost exclusively how we talk to most of our communities. So, I go through my routines, day in and day out. Waiting for some type of normality. Waiting to vote in less than a month. Waiting for some reason and common sense to return to American society. Waiting to know what day of the week it is today. Does it matter?
8/26/20 Explaining the unexplainable
I was adding and securing some parts of my doll totem, and also updated some of my notes and thoughts on this as it evolves, so here are some thoughts:
Dolls creep people out, yes -that is true. Things that age and rust and fall to ruin do the same. This does not make me a villain. Not a serial killer, not a molester, not a stalker, not a weirdo. It is just an artistic expression that makes you uncomfortable, so you need a label for me. But, if you stop and ask some questions maybe you will find something out. Try these:
1. What is this about?
2. What objects do I see? How are those objects used in the world? What can they mean here in this context?
3. What do I feel looking at this? Why?
4. Is this intentional? Why is this outside rotting and falling apart?
5. Is there a story or an idea to what I see? Guess
6. What do I like and not like? Why?
Many comments here reference specific additions which are in the odds & ends photo page, but I will give a brief description. There is a lot of wear and tear on any areas of paint. This summer I covered many older areas with a layer of fresh paint. That act in itself is a significant biographical note. (Regarding a wooden shelf with doll parts that was added) One really odd, unfair, and even painful quirk that men do (not all men) is compare females. We construct favorite body parts, personalities, passions, and faults to create a minds version of the “perfect” mate. It’s a harmful habit. It creates a pedestal for the impossible, and finds fault everywhere. Fantasy overrides reality. (On a very top section there is just a pair of severely weathered doll legs) This was an original doll from when this started 8 years ago. I salvaged the head (in another pic), the hands, and the legs after animals shredded it this last year. That’s part of the process. Memories are never fully comprehensive. We hold onto certain parts, and lose others in time. What’s left is a distortion of what was there. We constantly reinvent who we are. All the old pieces are still there. Some are strong reminders of important aspects, other are weak hauntings of times that we would rather forget. (Regarding a nicely composed photo of a ladder) There’s a lot of actual ladders involved in this build. Even a few windows and frames. All of it is about growth or regression. You can’t just stay on a ladder, that’s pointless. You go up, or you go down. Down may be safety, but you never get anywhere. Up is dangerous, but now you see it all in perspective. I guess with that you can try to figure out your own meanings to windows and frames. (About a very creepy photo of the head that belonged with the legs) Some memories haunt us our whole lives. They never go away. (About a mens suit jacket on a hanger) That jacket has been out all summer. Winter will be hard on that fabric. Black is for funerals and formals. Black is serious, black is death. *I'm adding a bit here that this is a specific add regarding formality in general and my own experiences with death. (I added the old doorbell chime cover from our house, and replaced it with a Guy Fawkes mask) That’s the old doorbell chime cover. It is very similar to the one we had in my first house as a child. It is wildly outdated and from the 60s-70s. You can’t buy anything to replace it, so you improvise. Improvisation is at the core of my artwork, and my social services job. Everything is fluid, everything changes. Materials don’t cooperate. Ideas fall flat. Plans don’t go as planned. I have the artistically disabling condition now called “aphantasia”, I don’t see anything at all in my head. In some ways starting commercially as an artist helped me understand planning and visualization, but it also sent me spiraling into an area of art that made me unhappy. The read and react version of my artwork brings me a rush of satisfaction that leaves words as pointless. The improvisation leads me to feeling the moment, being in the present. Loving the materials, and having a conversation with my ideas and actions. It is adapting to life. It is exploring capabilities and failures of unrestrained thoughts. Constraints that come from the social order, democracy, employment, family, gender, race, age, religion, nationality, location, technology, education, industry, time, fears and so many more that keep us in place.
I was sitting outside looking at the doll installation, and how overgrown the plants facing the sun have become, and i realized looking at some picture of previous years- just how many things that were attached may have fallen down into those plants and become lost. Doll parts, wood, small objects, or rotted attachments just disappeared. Just like memories and history. What remains year after year is reconstructed.
8/7/20 Friends of Convenience
Don't talk big and act small. Talk small and act big.
Making lasting friendships as an adult is so damn hard. You have so many fleeting relationships. A co-worker, an acquaintance, a friend of a friend, an old re-connection. You try them, out. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. Someone needs something. Someone needs support. Someone calls on someone in the moment that the pool of availability is low. And something like a friendship is born. For how long, varies. Then they get a new job. They move. One or the other realizes that you have nothing in common. Someone commits too much time, and then have to pull back. Someone is not who they appear to be. Or, it is a friendship of the moment, a matter of convenience.
They promise to "stay in touch". To meet up after work. To get the dogs or kids or spouses together. To get a drink. We smile, but we know the Dear John letter is already in the mail. I'm growing weary of the effort. I am finding myself closing the ranks. I don't feel like looking, or making the effort. I have my immediate family, that I always stress: "do not worry about me, go make plans with your friends", and I have myself. They do not have the baggage that I have, or the experience of being on the outside. I do not want them to have it. I have always been ok being alone. There's no trust issues, no boundaries, no compromises, no judgements. No one to spring a sudden change on you that signals everything you know will be in upheaval while you put on a smile and think "not again". No future pangs of rejection because no one thinks this is a good place for a friendship.
7/24/20 Erasing my Memoirs
I get jealous of people with a full set of fond memories across key points in their lives. Family gatherings, siblings, childhood friends, school events, sports, college...They have a clear recall of those times. They have connections to them over decades. I survived a not horrible childhood through my adult life by a heavy reliance on disassociation. In plain terms, my body was in one place- but my mind was somewhere else- almost all the time. I don't know when it began, I can only guess very young as a way to cope with my parents pretty extreme alcohol fueled arguments, that eventually led to a divorce. That was followed by excessive moves, very different schools, and a revolving door of temporary friends. Throughout all of this I had: a roof over my head, food, clothes, and many toys. I am not comparing my life to a more severe form of abuse, but emotional abuse IS abuse. Without getting into the details to keep this one short, if parents don't nurture a relationship, if they don't provide a caring environment and involvement- kids disconnect. That becomes the default. A disconnected child grows into an ill-prepared adult to handle emotions. All of this had me go elsewhere in my head to feel whatever I was looking for. Love, attention, safety, encouragement, connection- whatever I was missing at the time. In doing this, I was not in the present moment. I missed huge chunks of my life and my connection. I see old friends, or co-workers wax nostalgia over those times, and I feel a dull ache. While I am so proud to say that I have made many adult commitments to change my life and become free from the disassociation, that ache persists more and more as I get older. Remembering key points of your life as you get older is a part of self examination and joy. To me, these are literal blank spots. Redacted documents that make my heart feel a dull ache over what never was.
7/2/20 An inner dialogue on why I hate Walmart, 10:55am - 11:45am
Today’s adventure, or a running narrative on why I hate Walmart as I walk through the store:
the only reason I‘m here is because it was close to where I was...mask on.
Why is there a fence in front? Why is the door blocked off so I have to walk all the way down the fenced area to get in? Is there a sign? no signs, nothing. it’s got to be virus related. Wow this is a long blocked off area all the way down, and all the way back. Those 2 old ladies just squeezed through a spot in the gate! Why did I go all the way down here? I have to use the restroom. Of course the restroom is behind customer service with a long line of people -a foot apart. No one is standing on the social distancing stickers. There’s not enough stickers. That’s a long line for 1 employee to deal with. Did they just open? What time is it? It’s 11am, where’s the staff? I squeeze through to get to the door just as this old guy in a plaid- hey nice shirt, is coming out. I glance at a sign on the door about sanitizing. Oh this place is a mess. Is that a piece of uncooked salmon in the urinal? Don’t touch anything! Just pee and wash. Ok, that sink is not working. That soap dispenser is not working. Finally. The hand dryer is broken, and the roll of towels is on top of the garbage. Back through the customer service line with wet hands. Oh! Wait, I need a cart aaaaaaand yep, I set off an alarm going out a strange automatic gate that you can literally walk around. Why is this gate here? There’s no sign or reason for this. Does someone think that I’m shoplifting? No one responds to the alarm. Where’s the hand sanitizer? I can choose from the 4 available carts. No sanitizer, no cart wipes. Well, we all gotta die sometime. Head to the back of the store for fans (buying them for work for tenants who have nothing to cool down in this heat). Why am I heading to automotive through women’s underwear? Christ almighty!! (as my pop used to say) this store is a mess. Don’t touch anything. Fishing. Paint. Pets. Shoes. Bulk...what the fuck? Who planned this?
Ok, here we go, tools. Fans. Fans. More paint. One gallon can that somebody opened and just left. Why? Here are the fans. Nope, that’s a high air “mover” to dry paint. Is this the same bulk area? Or another one? Every god damned person I pass is within a foot. There’s the fans! Wow, that is a lot of fans. Whoa, there is a whole nother display of fans. Ok -5 box fans. Only 4 fit in the cart. Ok I’ll put this one underneath. It doesn’t fit, it just sits there on a slope. It’s telling me “don’t leave me like this! One quick stop and I am on the floor.” I know it’ll fall out, but I’m going to risk it. Ok dish soap...hold on -toys and clearance. 2 boys are in the middle of the action figure aisle with wrestlers out of the package. No adult in site. Ok, I can still go down the action figure aisle. Dammit! I knew that fan would fall out. I’ll just put it on top. Was there a run on action figures during the virus? The marvel “legends” line is reduced to about 10 Loki’s and some blue guy that I have never heard of. How is that a legend? Ok, quick turn to the clearance ais...what happened? There’s literally nothing here, and what is here is all opened. Who buys a clothesline for $5? ...it’s just rope. This aisle is a mess. Don’t touch anything. Screw it. Go find the dish soap. Why is there another paint section? I slowly stroll by 2 employees (because a third employee was blocking the only way I could go and despite looking right at me, wasn't moving) and I hear this -(Male) “they didn’t pay you?” (Female) “no overtime, and they took away holiday pay from us too.” I am past the aisle but can still hear them... (Male): “that’s making your arm all red.” (Female): “yeh, it’s breaking out all over here too” DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING! Where’s the damn dish soap? How am I in Bulk again?
Ok yay! Dish soap is in this bulk aisle. But one lady on the left does not give a shit that I need to get by as she is reading a roll of toilet paper, and the guy in front of me is in a motor scooter blocking me. “Do you want to get by?” He says. “no, I just need the dish soap right there”. He literally backs up towards me making it harder to reach. The lady on the left continues to read the labels on the rolls of toilet paper. I have never read toilet paper information, I wonder what it says? Good to go. Thanks scooter guy for confusing the hell out of me. You offered to move. You saw what I needed- and made it harder. I hate scooters. There’s hardly ever a nice person in a scooter. Why is that?
Where is the front of the store from here? Just head towards the light. I either check out or die. Ugh...There’s a line. What time is it? There’s 8 people ahead of me. Ha! That little girl is dancing. Why is 1 lane open at 11:40am? Checkout lady says self-scan is open! Cool...oh, I can’t do tax exempt there. Fine. Wait...wait wait wait. Did that old lady just ask the person in front of me if this is the line? She just fucking cut me! How does she miss the the 5 people in line behind me? Eh, she’s old. I can save her 20 minutes of her life. Good for you Edna. She looks like an Edna. Edna the line cutter. Now that’s a Marvel Legend figure.
That is a lot of candy on display...wait wait wait. Apple pie Kit Kat?! It’s a limited edition candy... That’s the shit you only see at Walmart. Why are so many things “limited edition”? If it’s at Walmart it’s not “limited”. It’s the opposite of limited. What’s the opposite of limited? Unlimited? That doesn’t seem right, but unlimited editions of candy would sell better. No one is standing on the social distancing stickers except me. Reese’s. Mmm. I should try that Kit Kat. No, what am I thinking?! Wow, that candy shelf is a wreck. Wow, the big pack Reese’s is huge. Wow, Check out is surprisingly fast because no one had a problem, and the register did not crash. I'm shocked. Edna paid cash. I’m shocked that she didn’t pull that out of a change purse. Wait. Where did that money come from? She doesn’t have a purse, maybe she’s a counterfe- that weird door-gate alarm goes off. No one does anything.
If I did not just get the dish soap from the cart she would have totally missed it. Why do they have a huge freezer of ice cream half gallons next to the exit after you pay? I’d be afraid to eat anything from here. People are opening and touching everything with pudgey-smudgey sweaty hands. Where’s the hand sanitizer? None. Nothing. Do they know that there is a pandemic? “Sorry mam you can’t buy 2 of those, 1 per customer”. I hear behind me. I don’t even dare to turn and look back. I can’t imagine what it is. Toilet paper lady? Wait wait wait- I can’t leave without showing my receipt? Why? I’m 10 feet from the register I just paid at, there’s only ONE register open! Fine. The alarm at that weird door-gate goes off again. Security, which is really just this old lady with what I am pretty sure is a Boy Scout sash doesn’t even look up from my receipt. What are you doing???!! Checking the spelling -the date? Adding up the charges in your head? It’s 5 box fans and 3 bottles of dish soap- it is right in front of you in my cart! Finally- Jesus, this took forever...holy god it’s hot out! Throw these in the back, and I am good to go. Why are there no cart racks anywhere near me? Yikes LADY, I am just getting in my car -hold on. Mask off, phew. Is that guy pushing a rack of carts to the store an employee? That is not an employee. Why is he doing that? He is not wearing a Walmart vest, or a Walmart shirt, and he has on jeans. Plus he looks really really old to be on cart duty in this heat. What if he’s just a random guy? I think he is just a random old guy. I am sure that he is just a random guy. I fucking hate Walmart -and this is why. Where’s my sanitizer? I’m writing this down so I don’t forget “Why I hate Walmart”.
6/9/20 Developing a voice in controversy
if you think my backyard installation is creepy, beware ever looking at my undergrad/grad civil rights/racial art while I was desperately trying to sort out my artistic voice. Jeez- If I did that type of stuff now, I think I might have an internet mob problem.
Social subjects have always been a big deal to me. When I jumped in I wanted people to pay attention, so I was mashing together shocking and controversial subjects. Even at a relatively safe pre-pc time, in an almost exclusively white environment- white people reacted and called me a racist.
To keep going with the work was not easy. I did not have a lot of artistic confidence, and I was on very shaky unknown conceptual ground. But, I knew this was where I wanted to be with my artwork. I think that this very uneasy territory lasted about 5 years.
You can’t ignore the critics when you are young. And you can’t change personal paths based on people who don’t even know you. But, you can filter out the legitimate issues to help yourself grow. That can be a challenge for angry youth.
Now and then I still bounce across the lines of what is “allowed”. I still follow ideas across multiple images until it’s a dead end. Sometimes that dead end is not acceptable- even to other artists. I have had work rejected, changes requested, censored in print, called out in talks, cut from jobs, and taken down in shows over the years. I think as long as I know my principles, I am good.
6/8/20 Some updated thoughts on my back yard installation (photos under "odds & ends")
Ok artists and non-artists, I updated photos yesterday to my backyard installation. A lot of sections are about exploring deeply held/rejected psychological areas. It’s not meant to be pretty, or comfortable. It’s meant to challenge. Every spring, I spend time re-building and cleaning up sections that experience the harshness of being outdoors year round. I have had a lot of reactions to this, and a lot of questions about this “thing” in my yard. I normally let people think and see what they want in my artwork, which frustrates people that just need to know what art is all about. So, I decided on a little bit of insight. The entire installation is self-biographical. Everything is in someway a direct representation, or a concept of my life. Including the annual re-building, sometimes from scratch. As far as that particular monstrous face, an animal did that face. Nature did that face. Chance did that face. A large part of the overall concept is the effect of time. The letting go of control. The loss of small stories, interactions, and emotional events into history that will never be known again. We talk, we interact, we live with people and lose people, we love and hate and cry- and time goes on. Only those involved ever know that experience, and when they are gone- so is that story. That concept of erasing life and losing experiences is at the core of everything I make. This is just a larger, creepier version that I can watch grow and disappear every year. Sometimes I control where this goes, sometimes I don’t. Life has some control, and risk involved. You lose if you go too far in either direction, and you never really know what’s coming.
6/6/20 On the protests and riots
There is a big picture that the looting is only one tiny momentary piece. That is an act of desperation, and there are many more horrible pieces to that desperation that are completely ignored that go on for years, lifetimes, and generations.
The media is sloppy, especially here in Rochester New York. They will run stories on businesses, and outraged shop owners, and show damages over and over. The reporters will stroll through broken glass on the sidewalks while talking about how this “isn’t us”. They will ignore the widely available documentation of the white protesters, the white supremacists, and even the white police creating damages- videos and all. They will run stories asking why with no real intention to know why...because that would make us all culpable. Rochester has the highest child poverty rate in the nation. That is a day in and day out agony. We have endless acts of desperation that people label as poor peoples choices. Drugs, crime, alcoholism, homelessness. Daily racism and human trauma that leads to desperate mindsets. No peaceful protest is acceptable by those who see it as “uppity”. You can't march, you can't take a knee, you can't gather, and you can't organize without being told YOU ARE WRONG. If you are shocked and outraged, take a few minutes to see and hear what is not being said in the media. Look at reactions to protests historically. Look into how many George Floyds have happened with no justice or change. Have someone help you feel poverty. Have someone help you feel discrimination. And, once you really feel it and see it- then you will understand desperation. with all of this I did not even scratch the surface of the unbelievable pressures that are put on non-white people. I could sit here all day and list them with actual stories that I have been told and seen through 20+ years in social Services. One of my biggest reasons to do the work that I do is to give the invisible people in our society a voice, to help fix what is wrong with the world. And to feel so angry at the never ending injustices laid upon you for the color of your skin- only to see the racist president then announce yesterday “there are no racial tensions in America” is the ultimate moment where you have been told- YOU DON’T MATTER.
5/31/20 The Pandemic, being essential, and poop in the pool
I'm not going to type out all the elements of the 2020 Coronavirus pandemic. We are all living it, so I'll take it for granted that you know the basics. So much has been written and said about all of this, it's a strange and terrible time for the world. As I write this there are about 1.7 million people infected in the US, with 100,000 confirmed deaths attributed to the virus. That does not count all of the untested, nor does it count the dead that were not tested.
Much of my city shut down in late February. Some of our high risk staff were allowed to work from home. Being a diabetic, I too was given the OK to work from home. I chose to not do that. Why? I work in residential programs for those that have recently been homeless with a certified disability. Most of those disabilities are in mental health and addiction. The state wide shut-down came fast as NYS was the hardest hit in our country. Except for absolute essential services, everything closed. I work with amazing people that rarely get fanfare for what they do to help the invisible and marginalized in our society. Our tenants depend on groups, therapy, and services to survive. All of that shut down. There was not a lot of time to plan, but we had emergency meetings to have plans for staff coverage in case many staff became ill, and how to staff programs where people worked from home for their own safety. Was I, or am I still at risk? Yes. I am no hero, I am not tooting my horn. I chose to go to work because the level of client support was going to be high without all of the regular supports and regular schedules. I have scrambled daily working regular 50+ hour weeks. My wife is a teacher, her life was no easier. The entire way that we all live changed overnight. Many time the word "essential" was thrown out for those in healthcare and hospitals. Grocery store and gas stations. Never for our line of work. And yet, we just kept going. We printed our own staff t-shirts with "I am essential" and "we are essential". I'm proud of my community. I'm proud that I work for the Volunteers of America. I'm proud that we lead the way in how we address homelessness, mental health, and addictions. 3+ months later we are still here, and doing pretty darn good. As we cautiously re-open the city and state there is much being argued from conspiracy theorists, and business owners. Politicians, and groups carrying weapons to protest in state capitols. We will do our jobs the right way, and be safe. I came across the best analogy of our situation, so I am leaving it here to float for however long this website exists just in case the pandemic is another 1918 Spanish Flu,
Jeremy Konyndyk, global outbreak preparedness and humanitarian response expert and former director of USAID's Office of US Foreign Disaster Assistance, offered an explanation on Twitter for the folks who don't seem to understand the concern—"a short analogy about pooping and accountability."
"Alright. There is a LOT of chatter on this website bashing those who are saying most of the country still isn't ready for a safe reopening. So, as we approach what would normally be summer pool season, here's a short analogy about pooping and accountability.
Imagine you're at the pool, and a kid poops in the water. It happens a few times every summer. What happens next? Everybody clears the pool. That's the initial step to protect people from the poop.
But it's not the end of the story.
There's a next step - some poor soul on pool staff has to go fish out the poop. It's a pretty thankless job.
Then they have to shock the pool with chlorine to kill off bacteria.
And then everyone waits half an hour or so til it's safe to swim again.
You can see where I'm going with this.
If the lifeguards tell everyone to clear the pool, but the pool staff declines to actually get rid of the poop, what happens?
No one can go back in. The poop is still there. Limbo.
Whose fault is it that it's not safe to go back in the water? Who is accountable?
Do you focus on the people saying "clean up the poop before we can go back in safely!"?
Or do you focus on the staff whose job it is to clean up the poop?
And what would you think if the staff started saying - look, just get back in. Be a warrior.
The answer is pretty obvious.
So right now, our country is a big swimming pool with a poop problem.
And the President, rather than fix the mess, is urging everyone back into the pool regardless and saying the 'real' problem is those people who think the pool's not safe yet. They must hate the pool, etc.
And a lot of the public is buying it!!
The President's whole play here is to distract from his failure to fix the mess by focusing the country's attention on people who don't want to swim in a pooped-in pool.
He wants you to believe they're saying you should never go back in.
And if you buy that, he's off the hook. He doesn't have to clean up the poop, and he doesn't get blamed for failing to do so. Win-win for him.
But NO ONE is saying 'never go back in the pool.' They're saying - please clean out the poop first.
Everyone wants to get back in the pool. Everyone wants to reopen the country.
And if you're frustrated that we can't, please hold the right folks accountable. The problem isn't the people saying we need to reopen 'safely.'
It's the people saying needn't bother with that part."
5/21/20 The evolution of my horror themed bathroom (photos in "odds & ends")
Thank Jebus my wife Christie understands and even encourages the weird things that mean a lot to me. I have written in older journals posted here that Horror movies and books have impacted most of my life. Horror movies And all that are related have always been a big part of my life. My pop ordered and showed me super 8 movies of classic horror on the weekend from as young as I can remember. He drove me and my friends to the Monroe theater to watch the Saturday Godzilla double features. Yes, before it was a porn theater, it was a legit place to go. When I was kid, He bought me comics every week and I always grabbed a magazine called “Famous Monsters of Filmland”. The founder Forry J. Ackerman basically created the sci-fi genre. His house called the “Ackermansion” was floor to ceiling memorabilia. He gave open tours to any fans showing up at his door. I wanted to see it so bad, but it was in California, and my family never travelled very far. Families have their traditions, they do this or that every year. I don’t have many of these remaining. This is a tribute to one of the very few I have, and all those that accepted me. Scary stories, horror movies, monsters, the dark and the unknown. I have seen and even written about the censorship of my passion that has ebbed a flowed over the years. Obviously, I turned out to be a decent person, I would argue a better person from all of this. This will continue to grow even as it out grows this small bathroom. Don’t worry, it’s safe...maybe.
I had not heard of the #metoo movement accusations about Forry. That he was well known as a predator of young women. That made me incredibly sad. I can't say that it is all true, or all false. I don't know. He is not here to answer to the accusations. But, I can say that reading the stories had me lean far towards belief. This was such a huge part of my life, a life saver to a drowning kid. The times were much more allowable to behaviors that ranged from stalking to sexual assault, and very harsh to any females that made accusations. That does NOT make it ok, it is just a footnote to how this could have gone on for so long without anyone speaking out, but in context- it makes sense. As far as why now? it has become a safer time to speak out. And there is a greater understanding that there can be no healing and recovery if it is kept a secret.
5/20/20 I don't need you to fix it, I need you to listen
Mental Health note: I reference a very popular video about men and women, listening and fixing called "It's not about the nail". Look it up, it is worth 5 minutes. I am usually the man in the video, I am a fixer, the man who sees the nail in her forehead as the problem. But over the past 2 months I have switched roles. I am now the woman with the nail who needs someone to listen. In this pandemic, I have seen many people that are so overwhelmed and busy- that they immediately go into “fix-it” mode. People are scrambling to work remotely. To answer an avalanche of emails, voicemails, texts, and push in endless zoom video meeting requests. To cook. To clean. To plan for what store is open when, and what the new rules are. To get that package delivery, to home-school. To exercise, to find something to do so they don’t go crazy. Who has the time to listen to someone vent? Or to vent to someone? We are urged to work together, so we want to help and fix the problem. But not all problems are fixable, and sometimes we already know what we need to do. We need to release the pressure by talking without fixing. We just need to pull the kettle off the burner so it stops whistling.
4/25/20 You are SO talented
Artist confessions: I wish that people who say to me “you are so talented” could know how much I bristle at that statement in regards to my work.
6.5 years of college. 3 degrees. Classes in the human figure and anatomy, design, drawing, painting, color, commercial, industrial, business, materials, art classes by the dozens. Art history, theory and interpretation every semester. Hundreds of research papers. Years of preparing presentations, shows, portfolios, contracts, legal issues, copyrights. Countless calls, coordinating groups-shows-reviews, and meetings about artwork- both commercial and fine art. Reading and researching the transitions of formats, production, and methods that involve commercial and non-commercial artwork. Never ending hours of website design, new website builds, technical errors, new platforms, posting files, losing files, printing platforms, new media, old media, promotion, and having to look at the always new applications every other day in the digital age. And I have logged well over 275,000 hours making artwork- and that is a low average.
On top of all that I have forgotten in the last 30 years. I think that this no longer qualifies as a “talent”, it’s a highly professional based skill. An artist usually receives such a basic-blank, almost dismissive response to their career. Think about how other professions are described. Teachers, doctors, attorneys, chefs, dancers, musicians, architects, biologists... And then compare that to “you are so talented” when given as a response to a very highly regarded individual within another profession. Rarely is an artist regarded as having worked very hard. They are often seen as lazy, and offer little to society. Obviously, I see it very differently. I would compare my work time as an artist- even after 40-50 hour weeks of my regular job helping the homeless, against anyone. I see the artists (all fields) right now as holding the fucking line against our societies collapse in the hands of the anti-educated mess of people grinding us down. Even if no one sees us or hears us, that is an integral part of the very long subversive history of art.
So, whew- right? The next time you say “you are so talented” to an artist above the age of 12- understand all that I just ranted about flashes through their head. You may get a nod and smile. That’s proper manners, we know you mean well. But we also feel like you have just disrespected us, and are now referring to us as you would a child. Take a few seconds more. Look at the artwork. See all that time spent in an attempt to give you a thought. An idea. And say a little more. It will work wonders for every artist, and maybe create a dialogue that can allow you to see and understand something that you did not know before witnessing that work.
2/4/20 1984 isn’t the past
I no longer trust what I am seeing across any media platforms. It seems to be that everything everywhere is being used to manipulate the populace. This is not conspiracy theory, it is from multiple studies and books that have been slowly trotting out in the last 5 years. Corporations and governments have taken the big and small media into their think tanks. Half truths, whole lies, and outright corruption have taken my country. As I wrote many years back in one of my old journals, technology and information were moving too fast for human beings to keep up. We did not really see what was coming, and when those that saw it sounded the alarm- it was too late. We were already deeply isolated, divided, depressed, and struggling to maintain our collective sanity. The populace screams “get outta here with yer mambo jumbo psychological BS” while never looking up from the phones. Never breaking the Netflix streaming binge. Never holding on buying one more thing from Amazon. And they too miss the signs. Heavily armed protestors in public spaces. A nation that is so deeply divided by two political parties that represent only the rich, but the division is right in our families and neighborhoods. Rising hatred of minorities, religions, women, gays, and everyone in between. This virus crept in pretending to be news. Pretending to be documentaries, tv shows, music, education, religion, support groups, medicine, employment, and mega corporations. It distracted us from ourselves, and separated all of us into tiny isolated factions. Factions for anything at all created solely to argue with an opposite group. Once separated we lose our collective power, and we can be conquered. Not by an invading army, but from within. It strips us of who we are, manipulates our thinking, and breaks us down into easily digestible consumer incomes. When everything and everyone has an agenda- what is real? Are my hopes and dreams real, or deposited by a long con corporation? Are my values real, or are they merely unachievable standards put in place so that I remain socially disappointed with the dream? War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength- and the lie became the truth. We are living in George Orwell’s 1984.
1/29/20 The death of Kobe Bryant to me
I am well aware that I open myself up to a lot of dislike with this opinion written over 2 days on Facebook. And I say this being a sports fan- AND one of those people in complete shock on Sunday at 3pm when I saw the news. Kobe has also been in one aspect of my awareness for more than 20 years. I am very aware of his entire story. This is long, it had to be.
Let’s see if I can say this and stay somewhere in the middle of the road. Kobe Bryant’s helicopter accident and death on Sunday January 26, 2020 is a tragedy. So are the other 8 deaths involved. He impacts so many because of how intensely, and how long he has been in our public consciousness. Sports fans feel like they have lost someone they know, even though they never did know him. Either way, he was an icon. An icon with an unexpected death. That produces shock. Also, for much of his career he was defined as a complete egotistical jerk. Admit it fans, you know that is true. It’s a common trait among everyone who reaches the ultimate peak with any skill. That’s how they get there. Kobe is also very well known for a sexual assault and a halfhearted admission with his wife sitting next to him in the 90's.
Yes, tragedy is sad. He inspired many to play a sport. However, he did not inspire very many at all to become better at becoming genuine human beings, or become better men that do not cheat on their wives and commit assault. In fact, I recall a lot of men laughing off the assault. How many men may have been inspired there? He was a hero to some, a jerk to others, a man that did damage to women, a man’s-man, a champion, a fierce competitor, and for quite a few he was the “Who died? Oh, the athlete. Eh, so?” He has many in shock, and is reminding many of a trauma that they are white-knuckling their way through because they fear speaking out about sexual assault.
He was one of thousands of human beings to die on Sunday. All of those people had friends and families that are in grief too. Many more tragic than Kobe and his daughter. He really was just a person with a skill. He was definitely not a saint that altered our world, but he did alter the world for some. Does he need to be eulogized non-stop like this? I always say that death does not wash away the sins of life. You can speak ill of the dead if they lived that way. Right? Or am I wrong? I mean where was this type of public outpouring when some guy armed beyond all reasonable means shot nearly 500 people in Las Vegas? Where are our values on the non-stop insult and corruption machine that is our government? Why is less said about the mothers and children murdered every single day in domestic violence? You can say apples and oranges here, but is it really? This is all tragedy and daily trauma to our mental well-being, filled with unexpected destruction of humans of all shapes and sizes. I guess what I am asking is- why does losing Kobe have such value over the larger issues effecting ALL of us?
It is definitely awkward to speak about this event, but it is much harder to hear and see him everywhere as if he was humanities savior. I appreciate that he changed for the better as a person. I appreciate his drive and determination- to a point (but that’s why he is who he is, and I am who I am). I appreciate the role he took on as a father. We are human, we make bad judgments and do wrong. There is no simple good or bad. But when those wrongs go on for a decade plus, and include sexual assault- they cannot be erased by an unexpected tragic death. They exist. And to push them aside to praise and worship the celebrity, while hiding the perpetrator behind a curtain, we do more damage to victims, families, and the everyday people that pass on invisibly. He is hero-worshipped, while sexual assault victims, the families, and the rest of us remain blamed or all together invisible.
I hope to not be misinterpreted. I would never say don’t mourn what he meant for you. But I would ask you why are you so impassioned to share your grief regarding an athlete compared to any other tragedy?
I can’t seem to phrase that last line right. What I mean is to share one social media post on this event making you sad seems fair. A few news stories and collective review of his life on ESPN, seems fair. But the media onslaught and overwhelming postings on all of social media is too much. Yes, probably shock induced a lot of these responses. But that’s not a reason to make this event larger than it actually is in life.
I just briefly saw an article the same day as Kobe's accident from North Carolina about a husband that had previously shot himself and still had his guns at home. He murdered his wife, his toddler son, 2 baby daughters, and the family dog before shooting himself. The article focused on the recent mental health law gaining popularity to remove weapons from a residence if someone is deemed unstable. North Carolina opted not to put that to a vote. Isn’t that a worse tragedy than a superstar athlete (plus 8 more, lets be honest- not many stories are leading with the other victims) dying in a helicopter crash?
I also feel a strong need to add to everyone here again: I am not at all saying don’t mourn Kobe. I mourn Kobe. He went from a 19 year-old kid to a 41 year-old NBA legend within my lifetime. I'm a sports fan. In that time, he grew up. So did I. The larger issues of the positive and negative values of sports, media bias and manipulation, or celebrity worship in our culture are lengthy and for another time. All that I want to express is the viewpoint of many that are out here in the sea of mourners that are feeling uneasy with all of this as something more than a tragedy that killed 9 people. They have lost loved ones. They have been sexually assaulted. They have been bullied, humiliated, and ridiculed by those better at sports. They may be in their communities being real true heroes. Heroes to their families. Heroes to their poverty stricken communities. They may be champions of civil rights. They may fiercely defend their environment. They give everything up for others. They put away their own hopes and dreams for the betterment of others. Ask yourself honestly, did Kobe ever do that? Or, did he put everyone else far behind obsessively becoming the best at a sport? To winning above all else? He was a man. A man that was really damn good at a sport. It entertained and thrilled many of us. And when we look at what he did in his life without the sports glorification rose colored glasses- he did not do much else.
1/6/20 I'm a why person
I dropped two more framed artworks off at Monroe Community College this week for the permanent collection. Two are already installed in a hallway in building one, these new two are going into the library in the graphic novel section. I’m very proud to be a part of permanency at MCC. A community college gets a lot of knocks, but I can’t credit this school enough with making who I am today. I was not an academic student coming out of high school. I did not like school. I did not feel that I was actually learning anything of value beyond names and dates. I am a “why” person. Why was there war? Slavery? Democracy? I never really felt that I had anything but a superficial response. MCC had some amazing faculty in my day, as I am sure they have had after my day. I had a creative writing 101 teacher that really made me enjoy writing. It was always a huge task before that class. Facts, citations, structure. She introduced me to emotion, description, and power. I also took a class on skeptical thinking that focused on really fun subjects like bigfoot, ghosts, psychics, and UFO’s. That was where I discovered James Randi, junk science, and skeptical thinking. I have not even touched on the art department, who literally changed my life and introduced me to a huge world of Art and expression. It put me on the path of being thirsty. Thirsty for not only understanding the world, but most importantly seeking self-understanding. The “why” question finally had a purpose, Why am I this way?
12/23/19 Harley's Education
This will be short. Today we put our beautiful dog Harley to sleep. She was the dog love of our lives. Grief has never been easy. I needed a guide, and never had one. No one talked about the hard life things with me when I was young, or as an adult. I felt that I failed with death many times early on. I experienced the loss of family and friends, and handled it poorly. By poorly, I mean- I let it burn a hole inside of me. Through my adult years, and with my wife Chris we made a pact. We can do life differently than we experienced, and we have. Many people say- "it's just a dog". No, she was not. She was in our inner circle, and helped create a "home". Which we did not grow up having. We had shelter. A home is s a supportive connection, a safe space to be yourself. She taught us how to love unconditionally. She helped us let go of what no longer matters. She taught us to focus on the home and each other. She was the catalyst to breaking the cycles we both wanted so desperately to leave behind. This morning we both brought her back to the vet after the horribly hard weekend of her good-bye tour. We both stayed for the whole time. We both cried. I held her head and whispered in her ear until it was all over. I cried more intensely than I ever have in my entire life. I felt every minute, and did not disassociate. She taught me to be present, and to feel things. There is no thank you big enough, and no sadness deep enough. To the very end she taught me that life really needs to be felt. I was not just a bystander, numb to the world. I carried her home, and we buried her in the backyard. We all stood together, Myself, Chris, our son Asher, and our other 3 dogs: Fiona, JJ, and Barryallen- who is a puppy that only knew Harley for a week. It was a pure moment of love and respect. In the spring we will plant the most beautiful tree we can find where she rests watching over all of us.
12/20/19 I was never really an Illustrator
I went to college for Illustration. In my early days, that was where the exciting work in Art was being done. I was never the most skilled artist. I had a couple of shaky classes that did not really push me to do something more, or be more critical of what I was producing. But, I was in love with the artwork that I was seeing being produced in illustration in the late 80’s and 90’s. The concepts and styles were beautiful, and it bled into my love of comics. The same boom was happening there with some of the same artists. I never had much money in college, who does? But as I neared finishing my BFA, I really had no way of creating some of the promotional work that I was seeing as a necessity. I could not afford the $500 portfolio, and the high end prints. Not to mention that my work was really not up to the quality that I saw all around me. It’s not for lack of effort, or putting in the time. I regularly worked 12 hour days, 7 days a week on my art. Some of the basics of design were never introduced to me, and I was not the most self-aware conceptual person at the time. Some important aspects were never shared with me in school. Connections, who you know; is very important. Social skills, how you interact with others that can help you is critical. And when reproducing work, you can’t go cheap. All 3 of these aspects were really not good for me. As far as reproducing work, I tried to go cheap and did everything possible the wrong way. I learned from it, but not without endless failure. The other 2 aspects, I have never been able to overcome. I have no real contacts in the “old boy network”. I had no family guides in art, school, or business. And social skills? Ha! I’m a lone wolf. I spent nearly 20 years unhappy. I did not like the artwork, or myself. Trying to be what I am not. At odds with myself. Pretending to be what I really did not want to be. Watching the world pass me by. During all of this was when I spent a lot of time working on my own self-awareness, of which I have written numerous journals about on here. One of the elements that began to creep into my artwork was the extreme willingness to take a risk. To explore. To dare greatly and fail. I started creating an alternative care free style. I fell in love with the making, and the freedom of not caring. I am still madly in love with it today. It dramatically improved the quality and content of my artwork. It put it at its best on par with what I see out in the world, and at its worst s lesson for me to keep growing with my self-awareness. They say that the artist can be seen in all of their work. I agree. Each work is a conversation that I am having with myself and my materials. Sometimes it’s an argument, sometimes it's loving, sometimes it’s deep, sometimes superficial. But, what is vital to say is- that it is mine.
11/27/19 Your 2nd Amendment opportunity!
The right to bear arms (against an oppressive government). Supporters, those who fear the government becoming an out of control entity that suppresses your rights- NOW is your moment! You have the spotlight to show your full support of American freedoms. You can choose to go have a grand slam breakfast in Denny's while having an AK-47 strapped on, claiming this is a fine example of your right to bear arms. Or you can gather to march into Washington DC for impeachment against a corrupt traitorous group of criminals stripping away all of your other rights. They have sold out America to foreign nations to line their own pockets, not your freedom. It is time to put up, or shut up.
11/12/19 Hoarding thoughts
I hoard things to remind me of good thinking because I’m terrified to forget everything that has changed me. I think I am one of those weird people that clawed myself out of negative thinking and negative world views, and I don’t want anything that helped me to be lost or forgotten. I’d be curious to see what my FB algorithms are from what I post and search for through Facebook and Google and Amazon. I post personal thoughts and art, search for bizarre and obscure information, and buy everything from the dull screen protectors to underwear that expands when dunked in water. Good luck seeing my revolution coming billionaire cabal.
11/4/19 Metaphors that fight through the mental confusion into Daybreak
So, to be clear. I am continuing to attempt blogging even with neurological and cognitive issues. I'll have to keep things shorter to avoid monumental mental blunders.
I have just finished watching the first season of "Daybreak" on Netflix, it's based on a graphic novel of the same name. The apocalypse happens, turning all the adults into zombies repeating their last words and eating kids. The whole series begins with a humorous situation of the main character directly speaking to the camera, and explaining the kids tribes. The jocks, cheerleaders, science nerds, ect. The metaphors are obvious: adults devouring children, social circles that fight for a misdirected self importance, an immature female empowerment that contrasts an immature male ego. The change in gears happens midway through the season when they delve deep into the development of females in a male dominated society, and interpersonal relationships. And I, for one; love this show.
10/14/19 The Invisible
Is there anything worse than dealing with a debilitating medical problem that is invisible on the outside? I'm 3.5 years in to an ever frustrating problem. No doctor has been able to figure it out, and it is temporarily tagged as a "Vestibular disorder". I look healthy and fine on the outside, even good for my age. But my brain and vision are bobbing around in a tank of water. I can't walk a straight line, whenever I am up walking- I lose my balance. I am incredibly fatigued. And I struggle to read, to write, and work on anything complex. I have had my testing. I have had so many medical visits, and most of the time I hear that I'm "fine", let's just "keep an eye on this". My family and co-workers can easily forget and get frustrated with me. I can get frustrated with myself. I chug along through my days, because I have to- I have no other choice. When I was a kid growing up in an alcoholic household, I became the invisible kid. The afterthought to any event. That's what happens with alcoholics, addiction needs come first. It psychologically dogged me into my adulthood. Now, that invisible kid has an invisible illness. It is so strange not being able to trust your own body.
10/11/19 Falling Short
From my artist confessions quotes: The more you understand about art, the less you like your result. There it is. The artist confession series finally finds something. The more that I understand about art, the more skills that I develop, the less I approve of my results. I may reach a point in work where I know what to do; but I fall frustratingly short in knowledge, in technique, in my intellectual abilities, or my hand skills. All while fighting off the pressures of the outside world. Pressure to do "something else" to make money. Something else to climb the ladders of success. Something else to stop rocking the boat. Something else that does not make people uncomfortable. And yet, we keep going. Trying to make the next one perfect, but it stays just out of our grasp. Knowing this battle, it is no wonder that so many artists go crazy. Commit suicide. Become addicted to drugs and alcohol. Isolate, give up, or just become intolerable jerks. That internal civil war rages on to destroy us, and give us salvation.
9/29/19 Art in the dark
"The aim of art is not to represent the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance" -Aristotle. It is a strange thing to create something personal. To dig out what you may not even realize is inside, to be looked at, judged, criticized, praised, and ignored. To constantly keep going in the face of these demons. To find that daily reason to start again while the world goes on. For many artists that I know, it is no longer a choice. It is the way we unabashedly speak when our words fail. And we do it even when we go without recognition. Without awards, money, or position. How would you label that artist that creates in the dark?
9/11/19 Figure out why you are
"Be diligent in discovery, honest in revelation, legitimate in truth, and worthy of change."
This quote has been a part of my entire adult life. They may be the most important group of words that I have ever known. They are words to rescue, to inspire, to drive, to change, and to save. Figure out who you are, and maybe even why you are.
Like most every American, and probably most of the world, our inept lying president has worn me out. I avoid the news. The daily thumping drum of lies and insults, and flat out racism has had a draining effect like no other I have experienced. I don't understand how someone can lie so blatantly every time he speaks. I don't understand the widespread hate. Nor do I understand the lack of fight against this in our congress. We are an imperfect nation, but this is so much worse than anything I have experienced. I can only strive to make my corner better, and hope for a time when this purely evil mentality is beat back under the rocks.
8/26/19 When the dead visit
I've read some philosophies that say the dead visit you in your dreams. Over the years I've had a few dreams of my father, and sometimes they have helped me move to a deeper understanding of loss. The last 2 nights my dreams have been filled with people that have passed away. My father twice, a client that I worked with in social services, and an ex-sister in-law. I have not had a stretch of dreams like this that I can remember. It needles old trauma that carries into the waking life, it's both calming and stressful at the same time.
7/24/19 Artists Confessions
I have always made notes and snippets of ideas in sketchbooks and journals to support concepts, or just about thoughts in general. Recently I started converting them to something I called: Artist Confessions. I will add more as they pop out. Here is what I have posted across a few Social Media platforms.
1. If you support it, and can’t own it out in the open; then there is a problem with that belief.
2. Sometimes I get to the point of frustration that I just become silent.
3. I let the art guide me, to decide its own path with each mark. It is the only way I know.
4. There are some mistakes that I struggle to move on from, but everyone else forgets.
5. Sometimes I title artwork because a song is on and I just like a lyric.
It has nothing to do with the work.
6. More times than not, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
7. Artists don’t have a 2-hour movie, or a 3-minute song to make people feel mad, or happy,
to cry, or to think. But I try so hard.
8. I have not risked enough to legitimize what risks I do take.
9. I spend so much time making art and sleeping awful, that I confuse reality and dreams.
10. I am always thinking about art, even when I am talking to you.
11. If someone looks at my artwork and feels uncomfortable or uneasy, for just a moment;
they feel my life.
12. Yes. That was really done on purpose.
13. I silently disagree with your view on “dark art” being ugly. That ugliness is pure truth.
Truth is beautiful.
14. Most artists have to come to terms with living a life of little consequence & notice,
and keep on working.
15. Monetizing and greed is killing us all.
16. You never stop looking for answers.
17. You either play the game, or you are left out.
18. If you only look at art & artists through the distorted lens of a career, you miss
what makes life worthwhile.
19. Art is an exploration, not a style or a box that you are locked into once
you have a success.
20. The more you understand about art, the less you like the result.
"There ain't no Russians, and there ain't no yanks. Just corporate criminals playin' with tanks."
-The Call, the Walls came Down
I love my country. I support every veteran, and go out of my way at work to help them. I don’t hate all Republicans. I don’t love all Democrats. I would literally die to save the values of my country, but I’m not celebrating July 4th with thousands of innocent people and scattered families in cages. I can’t celebrate when every day people are shot for being black. Where women have to answer to higher standards for less respect and fear of being assaulted, and then blamed for it. Where some brain dead teen draws a swastika on a desk-wears blackface-or sports a confederate flag, or rapes an unconscious woman behind a dumpster- but is not held accountable because boys will be boys. Where people are shunned for what gender they love. Do we have freedom? Yep, I’ll eat. I’ll sit in the sun. I’ll be with good people. But I'm not in a celebratory mood. I am not blind to our growing crimes against humanity as a nation. All while some filthy idiot masturbates as tanks drive by to John Phillip Souza. Is this really even freedom? If you think this is freedom, then you are not free. It is just a stale superficial old white man trying to desperately avoid irrelevance as his time comes to an end by ordering so much wasted money to drive tanks around as a form of unchecked Nationalism. Where will your thoughts be today? Flag waiving at a parade celebrating how little you matter except as a tax based ATM? Will you drink more beer than usual and argue just a bit hotter because we are all so tense? Will you wear a mask that says “this is just good enough”? Is this our value?
6/4/19 the beautiful ugly
Making art is hard enough. Trying to make art about non-beautiful moments, to be in some way beautiful enough to just not be ugly is that moment in the movie SPEED where Sandra Bullock has to jump the freeway gap driving a bus. It’s not possible without a little magic or trickery. Some days the magic to mire about in the ugliness and be beautiful is there. Other days you just soak up the ugly and go on to the next one.
5/31/19 Sharing a thought to myself on Saying “I’m good”
I am low key on my path. I understand this is not what some want. They want friends and loved ones who have good things for the world to be shouting from the rooftops. I know That I am awkward and odd, I embrace that. I prefer to just wander on my way. Those who want to be on the rooftop, I will hold your ladder. But trust me when I say “I’m good”. All of my life I had one big goal, to find my way. No big job, big bank account, giant social circles, fame or fortune. No mansions, European vacations, or luxuries. That frustrated people in my life. I simply wanted to find my way with the adventure in my head. I knew it before I didn’t know it. It was one simple goal, but not an easy one. When you are lost, it is easy to just say I want to be “found”. The hard part is to understand, there is no one else looking for you. Yes, we can be distracted by life. Love, family, job, social media and a million other things. But, you are still there needing to be found. Being lost has terrible moments, but you also have the opportunity to take risks. Risk is all we have, isn’t it? Being safe is not all it’s cracked up to be. It is even fair to say that playing it safe is not safe at all. If there is anything I really want to give out to anyone reading this far, it is a strong belief that the inner journey is so very worth the time. It is more valuable than any money or status. More memorable than any photo or souvenir. To be lost in a universe and find yourself, allows you to mean it when you say “I’m good”.
5/24/19 Make for yourself
“You can make average work for average people, or you can delight a small group of lifelong fans.”
This is me. As much as Ayn Rand is a nut job, the Fountainhead is a great story for me to think about art. It changed my path for the better. Better quality, and a better personal approach. Many people who read this may not understand or agree with this mentality. Art is a notoriously hard career. You want to reach as many people and connections as possible to fortify how you survive. Unless you are willing to survive doing something else, and make art in between the lines. That is me. If you look at my artwork and think “WTH?”, think about doing what you love- but not at all the way you want. For years. What you love begins to fade, and you better rescue it before it’s gone. Art, whether it’s beautiful flowers or dark political satire- is art. It’s expression. And when you remove 99% of that self-expression to please others, little is left to inspire making more work. As I’ve grown over the last 30 years of making art, I’ve moved more towards what I want to make when I want to make it. Maybe one day it’s a gorgeous sunset in my town through waving flags, and maybe the next it’s a dead crow I photographed on the street. It cannot ever be about everybody else. It has to be about me first. I control nothing but the creation, after that it goes wherever it goes. It’s hated, it’s loved, it’s confusing- enlightening- or indifferent. By then, I’ve let go. I’ve already had the adventure.
5/21/19 Truthful advice
I would love to say I have answers on art, and life, and surviving society- but the truth is I do not have those answers. So, I’d better stick to what I know.
Happiness will come to you. Sadly, no. Happiness is work, as much work as any job. You have to commit to working on your thoughts and your behaviors. Be in the present moment, not the past and not the future. That only floods the body with chemicals designed to create anxiety, action, depression- all of which change who you are. Eventually it becomes permanent. Same with happiness. In Taoist concepts, your brain is blank. Like a clear glass of water. Add dirt, you have muddy water. Add shit, you have shit water. This can be learned as a conscious choice. The alternative is the unconscious negative rapid fire of negative thinking, which can also become your norm.
Planning your life will work out. No, life on life’s terms. We all have plans. Maybe the weekend vacation goes perfect, but the career and life expectations better be flexible. Rolling with life as it comes is better than having all the plans and getting rolled over.
Real love lasts forever. This is another no. Love, and staying in love is also constant work. It is not effortless. Much like happiness, if you forget to work at it daily, it fades until you find yourself lost in the woods.
Someone else will take care of that [problem]. Nah, they won’t. Most people can barely take care of their own circle of problems. Rarely will they jump into your problems. Trust in yourself to take care of even the towering problems yourself. Done right or done wrong, will not matter in just a few hours or days. But you being able to manage things yourself, will matter the rest of your life.
Getting old is a long way away. Blink, and you are old. It happens to all of us in an instant. Keep yourself in the present, and time can slow down. Forget to pay attention, and time speeds up.
There is always time. There is not. None of us know what will be. Focus on what is really important to you and let that other shit go.
Family is everything. NO. This is usually touted by those who let their thinking go unconscious, or they have had a fairly good family experience. A family is what you make from what is around you. Maybe friends, maybe siblings, maybe parents, maybe co-workers. It is yours to make and depend on when you need it. You are not obligated to blood.
Money is not everything. True, but it gets you everything else that you need or want. If your life is based on greed, you will have wasted your life amassing what cannot go with you to the next plane of existence. If you are careful, and balance money in with needs, you will be ok.
Science doesn’t know everything. True, but what it does know is pretty solid. And failing to honor good science just leads to scams, illness, waste, destruction, and sometimes even death.
The world is equal opportunity, if you work for it. NO. Ideally we all want fairness. It’s pummeled into us, but it is rarely dealt out. Equality is a level playing field. Equity is giving people what they need to succeed. Person A, may need a job. Person B, may need a job and training. Person C, may need a job, training, practice, interview clothes, and transportation. Just having the job there is not equality because each person does not have the same starting point. Society needs to dole out equity, not equality.
4/30/19 Alive or Dead
About 10 years ago I had an experience that really left me wondering. I have lifelong sleep issues, and I had gone days without much sleep in a very pressure packed time period of my life. It was day 4 or so, when I was sitting at a red light waiting to turn. A van crossed in front of me, and the morning sunlight played a trick with the windows and passengers. They looked like twisted, laughing demons staring right back at me. Later that day I wondered if I had died and I was somewhere in-between being alive and being dead, a purgatory for the sake of explanation. There is a great movie with Tim Robbins called "Jacob's Ladder", focusing on the idea of in-between and hallucinations on comprehending the philosophy of reality. Ever since that day, I have wondered if I am alive or dead. How could I know that this form of reality, is indeed real, and not the last sets of electrical charges rolling across my brain?
4/29/19 the 27 Club
This "club" is the designated name for the group of artist/musicians that have died at the age of 27. This is a group of famous musicians and other creative types that may have overdosed, been murdered, or flat out died. I realized the other day, that the most difficult time of my entire life happened at the age of 27. Death, relationship issues, career issues, and interpersonal conflicts welled to a perfect storm. I wondered if the reason 27 is that time of life for so many is because it it a period caught between youth and adult, but not quite either. You have to let go of a care-free age, a period for some of school, or less demanding employment. Some may live at home, or be in their first apartment. It's the beginning of change. Relationships from a younger age fade, along with the vigor of being part of societies young set. Responsibilities get real, realities become large, and the mortal timeline becomes a part of your own timeline. It's an age of clashing identities, and a time where depression and anxiety tower over you like storm clouds. You can find yourself teetering on the very edge of the abyss. Do you end your story as is? Or do you continue on knowing that the vanity of aging, and the responsibility of surviving and thriving will be your baggage?
4/22/19 Negative Noise
Those in power want you to focus on the non-stop negatives in the world that they are sending out to every corner. To distract you, to make you believe the world is burning. Because when you break free to focus on all the positive out here, and change your world- they lose all their power over you. This is not any type of conspiracy theory, this is divide and conquer. Those with wealth and power are few, and they want to keep what they have- they are the haves. The rest of the world is made to believe chaos rules. That we need to be ruled. We are the have-nots. Break free in your little corner of the world, see what is positive; and watch their hold over you slip away. They fear nothing more.
4/16/19 The Notre Dame Cathedral fire
One of the cores of my art is a fear of losing every day moments and ideas. The loss of social interactions, stories, concepts, and even emotions disappearing as time keeps moving has long been a factor in what I choose as subject matter. This became a core of my artwork as in my own life so many sections are gone. No photos, no memoirs, no video, no keepsakes, and no one else as a witness. Notre Dame hit me like a brick to the head because this beautiful place was the very beginning of my art studies. It was my introduction to art history, and a pivotal point in my self-awareness that led me to appreciate the beauty in the world instead of being a self-consumed train-wreck. To watch this place burn was devastating to me. And the days that followed with all the other types of world needs chiming in that “the ocean and forests are still here and need help, it’s a symbol of a religion that has killed millions, it’s just a building- Christ wanted people to prosper, not structures” was also painful. Not that any of these causes is less than saving 900 years of history from becoming a charred mess, in fact they are more important. But for me, I watched my own humble origin in art burn. That was hard, and all I could do was to make art to capture this moment so that did not burn away as well.
4/2/19 Art Notes- Self-Esteem
The struggle that every artist has in searching for the production of satisfying artwork is always burdened with an extreme version of isolation. It's not too dramatic to say that the determined artist is in a fight for their very survival. Most of the artwork that is produced feels like a setback, a gut-punch, a deep reaching challenge to your self-esteem. In order to grow, you have to look back and reflect, but each reflection is a challenge to keep going. It's a debilitating hurdle that can weigh you down.
3/25/19 My Health and Adapting
I have had a physical battle going on more than 2 years. Something went bonkers with my balance system (technically: Vestibular system). I have had a few diagnosis's ruled out, and at the moment its called a Vestibular disorder. In my head I feel like my vision is floating in a jar of water held by someone running. I walk like I'm drunk, and I've fallen a few times. I can't visually track very well to read or type. Right now as I type, its a giant struggle. I'm ok if I'm laying down, and surprisingly- driving (movement without me walking) is ok. So why am I writing this? Well, I have had to change a lot of my habits and activities. And there was a lot of guilt and self-arguments about what I wasn't doing. But, one day I had a revelation- I was just going to go all in with what I wanted, instead of what I thought that I should be doing. Those "should" thoughts kill you. I completely threw myself into 2 types of youtube videos to replace reading. Educational (of all types), and Horror. Horror I have explained many times. I have grown up with it, the make believe terrors are never as bad as reality. Plus, I have a dark side- and that's ok. The videos that I have been hooked on educationally have been culturally based. In particular, the channel "advchina". The format is so engrossing. 2 guys who are from America and South Africa ride motorcycles all over China while discussing topics of Chinese culture in depth. Not only do you get to see the real country (as well as other areas of Asia), but you also get a very level even view of what China actually is about below the surface. It strips all the gloss of other countries intricate cultures away to showcase the real society. The positives and the negatives. This is the possibility of what the internet can be, a richness of exploration. So, I am doing all of this because I want to. I could go the woe is me route, but I choose to fill my personal time with making mountains of artwork, and exploring new frontiers of understanding the world and myself.
"One of the reasons many people don't have what they want is neglect. Neglect starts out as an infection and then develops into a disease." - Jim Rohn ...it starts small, with the little things. And before you know it you are 5 years into a life you don't recognize, and don't want.
When you change who you are to become a better husband, child, parent, wife, friend- human being; they never tell you the old bad you stays with you forever, it haunts you. It haunts me. It pains me, I even physically wince thinking about my days of the thoughtless me. I realize that I simply did not know better. I was not taught better. I gave in to peer pressure, or weak self-esteem. I also know that through education, self-examination and philosophy- I dragged myself up. I'm proud of that. I understand that I have overcome, and outrun what many never get away from in their lifetime. I'm privileged. Which has also led me to have time to reach out and help others while I propel myself along. And the harsh truth is, the old me will never shake free. It hangs there like a bad meal. It haunts me daily, it's a source of embarrassment. Like I stated, I physically and emotionally wince when I think about my old faults. The trick is learning to accept and live with them. Because the past cannot ever be altered.
3/7/19 My City
I know why I love my city, Rochester New York. It's because I admire overcoming adversity in people. Overcoming mistakes, and poor skills. Becoming a new, better person. That is also my city. Rochester has its flaws. We have crime and high poverty, a long history of racism, and an urban sprawl that has created a generally unappealing aesthetic everywhere. Those are issues that are possible to work on. What is often not noted is how we as a city are continuing to overcome 2 dramatic failings for homegrown world business leaders: Kodak and Xerox. Kodak whiffed with discovery digital photos, and desperately clung to film based cameras until well after the death toll rang. They employed huge number in Rochester, and were vital to the economy. That decline has been long and destructive to local families and local business. Over the course of just 20 years, it wiped thousands off of payrolls. That alone, in a smaller city dependent upon a large company would create a ghost town. Xerox also whiffed on the first developed computer operating system in 1973, which was sold with little understanding of the value to no less than Steve Jobs, who then reinvented Apple. Copies have gone the way of film based photos. They are becoming Dinosaurs, just like Xerox and Kodak. And yet, Rochester is still here. Still fighting its issues, and still finding ways to overcome the adversity. We have an amazing variety of Arts in our area. Easy access to the Fingerlakes and open park and land spaces that many cities would kill for close by. We rarely have traffic issues, a strong variety of the seasons, and Fall is the Best on the East coast. Lots of farms, lots of small business opportunities, the Genesee River and Falls smack dab in the middle of the city. Housing is extremely affordable, and largely NYS is progressive in the actions it takes towards citizen rights. We have multiple great vineyards, and a long history with beautiful high end crafts (ceramics, woodworking, metal working). I have left in the past. Explored other areas, but always returned. And I know it's because the city itself keeps fighting forward instead of looking backward.
Last night, during the February drawing challenge ("Penci-uary") I was working with the word of the day "Great". I chose to do Kanye West (see inspirations page under "music" and as I began work I was challenging my concept. Because Kanye recently was interviewed and declared slavery to be a choice, and was at the white house for a staged -and quite unhinged, minstrel show for the press, I did not want a pretty picture. His recent mental health concerns aside, what he was saying and doing made me sick to my stomach. I was working fairly aggressive with the digital materials, and against my aesthetic judgments. I changed my approach to challenge the idea of ugly applications and format. I found that I was having a full argument and discussion on balancing the beauty and the ugliness of art in my head. Each layer was a chore. Colors were a fight, and even the composition became a battle. I specifically used a compositional error to create visual tension and uncomfortablness. Bringing his swelled head just to and beyond the edges. Creating layers of color, strokes, and scratches. Over dramatizing lines and shapes within his face, and I found the struggle of balance to be very mentally rewarding. I have always taken days of monthly art challenges to completely experiment, or dramatically change course. It keeps me fresh.
2/11/19 Art Notes- Career
This past week was a week of ups & downs & sideways. A type of week that comes from all sides: social, political, personal, health, art. In these trying times, art rescues me. It’s a personal type of inner rescue that comes with a challenge when it goes beyond my own skull. I find myself replying to people chiming in to what I do over and over: […hahaha yes, I did make that... Thank you for saying I’m so creative!...yes I know I could have HAD an art career, but I really love what I do.]
Many careers have really funny sides and common reactions. I only know art and social services. It’s funny how all the comments we make to those careers , or fields of interest we really don’t understand tend to produce generally the same commentary. For social services, when people hear I work with the homeless in mental health and addiction it’s almost always the same: […I don’t know how you do it…god bless you for what you do…oh wow! that’s amazing.] That last one usually translates to: gosh I’m uncomfortable, can we talk about sports or movies instead?
In regards to my choices, Teaching was amazing for many years, I loved the interaction and excitement of teaching art to students that simply wanted to be great. But, when the population changed from wanting to make great art, to wanting to do as little as possible for an expected high grade and a paper degree, my time was up. When commercial art buyers or art buyers went from investing in great intelligent illustration to accompany the printed word, to using wildly generic stock images, and thinking they owned the art copyrights forever. And wanting hours of changes for free, or expected actual artwork for less than a fraction of the true cost, my time was up. When people think you are only good if you constantly sell your soul and show work in galleries, my time was up. When I am free, I can make anything. Any way I want. No style limitations, no content restrictions. In the past 3-4 years, I have been producing hundreds of artworks a year and cannot wait to work. The quality (generally) far surpasses my wildest expectations AND I’m still not happy- well, that’s my time to feel like I have lived up to my post college goals. My goals were never lofty. I just desperately wanted to make really good to even great artwork. I had no other clear aspirations. They came into the light later, after I not only figured myself out, but I also targeted what I thought to be important. I make art. I serve my community. I’m a happy family guy. I don’t need more, I needed this. I did not need whatever people desperately search for out there to fill the empty void. If money, or power genuinely works for you, more success to you. It doesn’t for me. It may be easy to argue you don’t miss what you never had, but I spent a lot of my free time trying to find peace within myself. I had a lot of bookstore and library time. I was able to begin my own free education. I pursued a variety of philosophies about art. About life. About Philosophy itself. I miss just browsing bookstores. I learned so much on lazy days. One key find was: If this is all the time I have in this life, if this is all there is- I wanted to find what I needed. Across many miles, and many failures- I found a good path. I owe that saving grace to art, and education, and a belief that there is something more than money and ego, and all the other happiness deterrents that we all encounter.
So, when it comes to my artwork. When it comes to making hundreds of pieces a year, I make it for my intense love of art making and the meditation that it brings me as I work. It allows me to focus on where my energy needs to go. My love of confronting weak ideas and dark places, and my love of changing my little corner of the world. If people really want my type of art, they will find me. It took a long time to come to peace with what I thought was expected of me, and what I actually wanted. But I would not change a step. Failures, misfires and poor choice have become part of my process. A process of growth leading to the end. All of this has altered me, and to quote Francis Bacon: [I feel ever so strongly that an artist must be nourished by his passions and his despairs. These things alter an artist whether for the good or the better or the worse. It must alter him.] Of course, Francis was bat-shit crazy. But, that is a capital T truth.
I have a lot of people ask how to do it. I have no answer. My way was my way. There was no formula. My way was to try and fail, many times not knowing if I was on the wrong path and doomed, or heading somewhere that would help me. I learned that the adventure was not “out there”, it was in my head. Not out on a mountain. I failed over and over until the obvious lesson sunk in. I’m responsible for it all. Every choice, every thought, every way I see myself and others. Waiting for someone to rescue you, or for the world to change leaves you standing out in the cold at a bus stop, with no bus coming. I preach the same mentality at work with staff and clients in my Social Services job. You have to be the change.
Why do a lot of people with addiction and mental health issues hate the staff? 5 out of 100 is a legitimate staff conflict/personality clash. Maybe more, depending on the quality of the organization that employs the staff. 95 out of 100 is that staff must manage the client with truth and reality. That is the only way to grow, and possibly win the battle. It becomes the defense of an addict to point the finger at the counselor and everyone-everything else as the problem. The first stage to change is realizing how much hurt is locked away that drives the addiction, and unlocking that door. We pull back the curtain on things trying to be ignored or kept secret, because "secrets keep you sick".
12/17/18 A Concept in my Artwork
I have always tried to be a visual journalist. I don’t think that I understood why until recently, but as I have grown older I have been able to identify what my art purpose really is. Like every single person, my years, months, days, minutes and seconds are made up of small experiences. Choices are made. People come and go. What really keeps your life record? All those experiences disappear into the large murkiness of time. What remains of who “YOU” were? What you witnessed? What you felt? Loved? Hated? Dreamed of? And ran from?
We live a linear life. But we spend so much time in the past within our heads, that I question if our lives are actually linear. They are more loops that we age within. I see so many of these loops that have lost experiences. What happens each moment fades into obscurity? We become ghosts. I’m trying to preserve some of that journalistically, some narratives, and some personal internal dialogues of the time. I attempt to be a keeper of small and large moments that will disappear after they are over. They might be a memory, or completely lost. They may become stories that will be told, or invisible markers to an invisible life. Think of all the human stories that happen all day, every day. They become forgotten. Lives are whittled down to common shared name, with birth and death dates carved in stone. I feel responsible to capture a small part of that, but often feel like I miss the mark. But isn’t that too part of the experience?
Sometimes, or let’s be honest- most of the time I find myself fighting through the process. “This sucks” “What am I doing?” Shouted over and over while I stumble blindly. I have no ability to see visuals in my head (aphantasia), so I keep working until I like what I see. In many ways this is a great disability to a visual artist, I see nothing in my head. It’s like being in a dark room with some other people. I can hear them, but see nothing. I just keep going until I bump into someone. Hopefully that bump is someone I like, if not it ends up with me saying something that never comes out right. My brain speaks one language, but out pops another. Creating art has never been easy, but I keep doing it. I love the language, even if no one is listening.
12/5/18 I'm Good
Mental Health has such a stigma attached to it. The customary greeting of "How are you?" is often has an automatic reply of "Good, how are you?" Very few are good. We hide, we pretend, we wear a mask. I'm not advocating for everyone to share their deepest issues everywhere all day everyday. But I am an advocate for being able to say "I'm depressed because..." "I'm a little anxious because..." You can have issues of mental health AND have a good life. I'm here out in the open right now to say: I have had periods of high and low depression and anxiety throughout my life, AND I'm happy. Like everyone else, I have had negative moments in my life. We carry that weight on our backs unless we learn coping skills. I did not learn in my younger days how to cope with many issues. That's not any form of excuse, it's just a reality. It weighed on me, it changed the chemical make up of my brain as it was a never ending drumbeat. There was no "magic pill". Medications can make it easier, and if it's the wrong medication- it can make it harder. There is no easy path. It has been years of hard work, hard change, and acceptance that finally got me to where I am. Not to a place where I no longer struggle, but a place where I know what to do with that struggle that creates a more positive outcome. So to anyone that ever stumbles across this, it's OK to not be "good".
11/12/18 Stan Lee
This was such a hard post to find the proper words. Stan Lee died. It’ll be a brief blip in the media news-cycle, and an earthquake for any comic-book fan. For me, it’s even a bit beyond the earthquake. That quake broke the dam that killed all the villagers below.
Stan Lee created the characters, and wrote the stories that gave me the seed of strength to handle alcoholic parents, dysfunctional family, mental health, discrimination, addiction, bullying, and lousy self-esteem. Most people are not as far into comics as I have been. I had thousands on shelves as far back as I can remember. I do not remember NOT having comic books. I grew up distancing myself from reality by retreating into the Marvel Universe, which is way beyond what the movies have managed to showcase. Stan Lee changed comics forever by writing stories with real life issues, personal struggles, and personal strength. As a kid, I did not realize these seeds were being planted, but as I got older and started to tackle my responsibility with these issues and my life, all signs pointed back to Marvel. My father started me on comics, and Stan Lee was almost the same age and generation. I always have connected the two as “raising” me, making my base for morals, ethics, and my own self-image. My father passed in 1993, that left me with what Stan Lee was representing in my head and my psyche.
Stan Lee's story-telling was groundbreaking. It gave me survival skills that I lacked. It also started my career path into art. I had my artistic taste bred by legendary artists: Kirby, Buscema, Romita, Simonson, Byrne, Ross, Ditko, Steranko, Jim Lee (no relation), Shooter, Starlin, and so many more. I thought that I would enter into comics, and made the full-blown jump walking the sidewalk and submitting work in NYC in the very early 90's, and landing a freelance job with a storyboard. I immediately realized this was not the work for me, which was supported by the job being cancelled. I never went anywhere near Marvel. The pedestal was too high and intimidating for me. It still is, all because of Stan Lee.
When the news broke of Stan's passing, my heart sank so low. The rug was pulled out from beneath me, and I came crashing down hard. He was 95. He lived a great long life. He contributed unknowingly to myself and countless others ability to overcome adversity. To take on life on life's terms, and when that didn't work- to fight for my own terms. At 95 years old, I expected him to pass, but I was still devastated. That night I started my cathartic artwork per a plan hatched in my head in these last few years. Realizing it was time, and finally pulling myself up to that pedestal. I started a very intense portrait of Stan Lee with highlights of many great Marvel artists. True to my plan, I took the next day off and continued working all day until I met an artistic standard suitable for Stan Lee. His standard rescued my life, at the very least my standard should be above my previous achievements. Good enough -just was not good enough, ‘nuff said. I could easily have tossed in the towel on my life, but I learned to keep going through the adversity from the characters that populated my childhood. Yes, they are not real. Yes, they wear costumes. Yes, they have superpowers- and they stood tall for me when I could not for myself. They are modern Gods acting out stories to teach us lessons. Thank you Stan Lee, those lessons were a lifeline for a drowning child.
"I let the art guide me, to decide its own path with each mark. It is the only way I know."
Each artwork is a discussion, a debate, or a full on argument between myself, the subject and the materials. Art scares a lot of people. Many artists are to blame for that feeling, but it is much like any other creative act. You like some, you hate some, you understand or you don’t. But fear or intimidation do nothing but keep you in the dark. I posted this first line italicized above because one of the constant criticisms I have heard over decades of making artwork is that I jump around too much with “style”. I have always disagreed with that view. Each subject is unique. If I only have one method with materials, it negates a world of subjects that do not fit the style. The style is part of the story (or concept/idea) which many times develops as I work. Over many years, I have recommended the book “Art & Fear” (Bayles and Orlando). Some criticized it, some loved it. It is too simple for some, many never read it because they do not want to admit to the struggle. Fear and Art are completely entwined. Creating and putting your artwork out on a stage to be be viewed, dissected, and criticized takes courage. It takes a level of self confrontation that many people simply do not want to face. You understand the fear, and overcome it- or you become one of many that stop making art.
9/24/18 Art Notes- Production
Last night I completed my 150th piece of art in the last year. From October 1, 2017 to October 1st 2018 I averaged an artwork every 2.4 days. 3 months (October, January, May) I made 1-a-day for challenges like Inktober, Penci-uary, and Mixed Media May. That alone was 93 artworks. This may have been the most productive artistic year of my life. Many are one-off's or throw away's, but a few good ones slipped in when I wasn't looking. It has also been an extremely educational year for me in learning about how to apply my hands on skills to a new digital format. I have also been tackling some of what I consider to be my weak points. Compositional and conceptual development. I have always struggled with composition, early in my student days I feel that was skipped in many of my classes. The focus was on technique, materials, and meeting project expectations. I did not feel like there was anyone really honing me in on how to see composition. I worked on that after I finished school. I focused on fine art and illustration inspirations. Not just for a simple composition, but color theory, leading the eye, spacial development, and light as composition. All of this work made me realize one giant art truth- I don't know anything.
I have discovered more weak points in color, design, lighting, rendering, and always- developing a concept beyond the superficial. I have a lot more work in front of me with Inktober starting in 8 days, my own collaboration project, my outdoor sculpture, and many more. I always lean back on the book "Art & Fear" that still rings in my head after many years. The best way to conquer the fear of failing artistically is to make a lot of work and not look back. This entire journey of being an artist has helped create a brand new me. Each artwork has parts of me in it, in layers waiting to be found. It really has not been about pursuing any artistic fame, or money, or awards. It has been for me alone, to help find my own voice. It took me some time to figure that out. I make art because it makes me so happy. It gives me time to know myself, to think. To soak in ideas and ghosts of the past that I fear losing. Those subtle moments when we feel invisible, alone fighting with what's in the dark without any hope. To have those be given a stage, is both invigorating and terrifying. You put yourself on display. To be judged, or ignored. And the one hurdle that I struggled with for years after school was a simple one, but one that I could never get over. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I am judged or ignored, purchased, collected, ridiculed, dissected, misunderstood, or understood. What matters is my fight of creation that happens with the subject. That fight is what has breathed an understanding into my life, and my time here. It may go fast, it may go slow. But when I am making artwork- it is my time.
My father passed away on September 21, 1993. 1993 was a seminal year for me. Finishing my MFA thesis, graduating with a Masters degree, and having my father pass away. 25 years later, and rarely have I ever felt weight like I felt in that period again. I have had moments of great highs and great lows- but little compares to that crushing weight of 1993 sitting on top of me. I was teaching college part-time, and I was working on any freelance illustration assignments to pay the bills. I lived in fear of bills, fear of lack of employment, and fear of myself.
My father became sick enough with cancer, that he required surgery just 2 weeks before my graduation. I went to the graduation ceremony, but did nothing else after. It's a selfish feeling. I still grieve for this time. I grieve for my own anti-celebration that never happened, and I grieve for my father. It’s a high wire act of grief and selfishness, and there is no net below. There’s no crowd of spectators in awe, just me and 25 years of balancing in the dark.
9/11/18 Art Notes
Some hits and a lot of misses. That sums up my career in art so far. I did not start with very much innate talent, I had to build my way up with piles of work. Much of that work showcases major flaws and downright lack of understanding. But art has become the singular way that I express myself, so I keep going forward. With, or without people to view the results. The patent response of “you’re so talented” actually makes me sad. I have heard that for all my career and thought am I really? Does the general person walking around think of what I do as valuable in some way? My answer at the start of my career was: Of course I’m valuable! I’m creative! My answer midway through my career became: I will explain my creativity and they will see the value! And my answer now is: The public opinion of value no longer matters to me. That’s dismissive I know, but I have grown in countless aspects of my life, while people who see my work are still stuck at “You’re so talented”. If I see a movie, read a book, or listen to music- I work at the interpretation. But very rarely do I encounter those who want to think about visual art. And it's getting worse in our microsecond access to everything via technology. They either use the catch phrase of talent, pass right over it, or dismiss it with a flip response about modern art that translates as a universal joke on art is junk without purpose. The idea that our purpose must translate to some form of career and income is a superficial way of living life. I have long struggled with justifying my artwork as an extension of myself- and I am at the point where the struggle is no longer worth the effort. I’m tired. Mentally and physically exhausted of the battle to explain my worth. It’s art. Either think about it, or walk away empty handed.
9/5/18 Life Notes
Have you ever walked up on, or into a situation that is just plain ridiculous? I have. The first time I was just starting college, still living with my parents. I was walking my dog on a summer night. They lived in a townhouse setting. You know the types of mass-molded "good living" that are everywhere. A few hundred places, sidewalks, and a clubhouse with a pool. It was definitely a late 70's, early 80's build. The clubhouse was dark brown cedar, with tall ground thin windows that didn't open. The kind to just let light in. On my walk as I approached the clubhouse and pool, there appeared to be a party as at each window all the way around the clubhouse had old men (some with dogs like me) peeping in the windows- at least 8-10 men surrounded the building. When I got closer going by windows, I could see a stripper dancing for the group inside, which I assume was a bachelor party. What a weird moment, all those sweaty old men circling a building peeping on a stripper at a party they were never invited to.
The second time was at our first house. Our son was just about a year, and the neighborhood was a great walk. Each block was a square, so stroller walks were easy. As my wife and I strollered on and walked by a heavily overgrown corner turning left, there in the yard- without any warning is a crowd of 25-30 teenagers, Most had some sort of Medieval cosplay items on. They were sitting up on a porch, and about 8-10 were having sword fights in the yard. Both of us could not help but bust out laughing as we walked by, and momentarily they all stopped to look at us. I have never seen such a random gathering in the middle of the day in my life.
The third time was when my wife and I lived in a townhouse. As our college was nearby and had a shortage of housing they rented out a town house next to us for NTID students (National Technical Institute for the Deaf). Right out back off our patio areas was a green belt. One sunny Sunday, I guess they had a big BBQ with deaf students. I did not even notice until i saw at least 50+ people out back eating and drinking. Windows were open, no noise. I thought that was pretty funny, but then the live cartoon moment happened. I walked into my kitchen, which has a window to the greenbelt. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement and a rumble, so I looked over. Nothing. I Went back to what I was doing, and it happened again- movement and a rumble. Nothing. It was a thin window, so I walked over to it, and there was a huge group of people playing *"kill the carrier". (*a simple game of a football and whomever has it runs with everyone in chase until they are gang tackled, or throw it away for anyone to pick up- then it starts again.) So what I saw out of the corner of my eye was 20 people all chasing down one person running by the window in silence except for the rumble of people giving chase.
These are great and unexpected life moments. I welcome more.
8/24/18 Art Notes
To new & old artists:
I get asked a lot about my artistic process, and my views on creating art. I feel somewhat uncomfortable about sharing this only because I see myself as a student with a lot to learn. But here are some things that I have learned or built up along the way.
1. Right out the gate you don't know what you think you know. Yes, you may have skill. Yes, you may have had some teachers that supported your creative endeavors. That is not the end of the line, it's not even the beginning. Shut down your ego. Listen. Make a lot of art. Make even more. Learn the materials, and the basics. And then learn them again- and dare to fail.
2. A job well begun is half done. As a student, a lot of times I skipped the emphasis on composition, research, and photo reference. I always regretted it. As I grew older, I started to study composition. Best choice ever, and its still a weak point for me. I always ran to the flashiness of the color, the rendering, the "ooh, you are so talented!" thinking that this was what made the art. Composition is purpose, balance, and concept. All necessary for success. The subject choices were made based on projects, and even then- somewhat randomly. Research was finding one good photo and getting right into it. What I learned later, is that the more time you spend deeply immersed in a subject, the more you understand. The more you understand that subject, the more your concepts move from the simplistic and superficial to new areas never before breached. The conceptual path becomes broad. Ideas flourish with information, they stagnate with ignorance. The more referencing you do, the more you work on seeing what is in reality- the more your path opens up to not being reference reliant. Draw and paint what you see first, not what you think is there.
3. Representing yourself in your art. I have been told "Realism is dead" too many times to count. Realism is approachable by anyone, abstraction is difficult for many. Abstraction vs. Realism is similar to Republicans vs. Democrats, no one is listening anymore. What I know (and it is just my understanding) is that you cannot legitimately "abstract" from "reality", if you do not yet know how to present reality. Many people are surprised to see me do any type of abstract art, they see "illustrator" and "representational" and close their mind. I LOVE abstraction and non-objective art. Rothko is one of my all time favorites, you have to be well rounded. As a young artist, I tried to make the jump to abstraction when prodded by teachers who had experienced the long path. The path that pushed mastering representation and academics first, then conceptual development last. But then the 1960's came, and everyone began to reject the academic path. For those professors reared in the 1960s, expression of self came first- screw the old ways. They saw the old way as a waste of time. They wanted to get to the ideas, not trudge through still life and figure drawing. They wanted to challenge the man, not color theory and technique. New ideas, not old ones. At this, I failed every time- as I should have. You cant take a first year medical student and throw them into surgery with a scalpel, that patient is doomed. My art was doomed. I did not yet have the artist vision (or personal vision of "self") to really see how to present reality. How could I pull out real elements to abstract? Somewhere in that foggy area of going from student to artist, we all become lost. Ships without rudders. You will find yourself by continuing to struggle and make a lot of art. It may be short journey, or it may be long- but you will find yourself. I had a student many MANY years ago who was very argumentative. He desperately wanted to be the next Frank Franzetta. Love who you love, I don't care- just make sure they are *good. He argued with me that he should know how to draw anatomy without looking anymore for he had done his year (3 classes) of figure drawing. He studied Burne Hogarth, and therefore thought he was done (see statement #1). My reply was simple: I held up my hand and asked him to look at it. I put my hand behind my back. I asked if he knew what a hand looked like (he said yes). And then I told him to draw my hand from his head. I would love to say he understood my point. It'd be a better story if he did. I spent weeks talking to him about how rendering anatomy based on another artists drawing is failing to see reality. You are only drawing what that one artist saw, and even then; it discounted the hundreds and hundreds of hours of practice and failure that Hogarth experienced. There is NO shortcut.
*(So short explanation on "good" and "bad" art: Art really works with the execution of basic and established principles and elements. Much like anything, the good and bad can be identified when these rules are well understood. How do you understand them? The basic Principles & Elements of Art are easy to find. Google it. Then keeping these in mind, you look at a lot of art. You identify the practices in art that attracts you. You think about a lot of art. You breakdown the parts to a lot of art- and bam! You have developed the start of your tastes in art. Are there exceptions? Yes, but that is a whole other discussion.
So to sum up a few things: check your ego, learn and re-learn the best basics, make a lot of art- and have faith in the principle and elements, look at a lot of art, and most importantly as a last personal note- allow yourself to fail. If your dare greatly, the failures will be great as well.
8/16/18 The Red Light
I was waiting at a red light today when a man and a small 4-5 year old girl crossed in front of me. She had (what I thought was) a 12-15 ft long lime green ribbon trailing behind her that she kept looking back at. The stop light turned green, but I had to crane my neck to be sure that ribbon was not in front of me and had cleared from my driving area. That’s when I noticed this was not a ribbon, it was a dog leash. And dragging at the end was a broken black dog collar. By this point I missed the green light, but I watched her keep looking back at the collar dragging and bouncing behind her. Did she just wish that she had a dog? Or was there once a dog in that collar at the end of the leash? I watched her and this man walk down the street. Never said a word. She just kept looking back at that collar dragging behind her. When you are able to tune out the noise of the world, and see the small things in front of you as parts of the whole universe, you will find great worth.
8/8/18 Media Notes
The problem that I see is not so much the fake news content, more it is the purchased content. More and more I am seeing a generic push because stations, and publishers, and interviewers have been bought out. Maybe it is a money deal, or a corporation deal, or a personal relationship deal. This is what creates the "fake news", which in my opinion is getting old. Our souls are being sold.
I just had a discussion about a news story involving Ohio State. The scandal is who knew what -and when. The students rally around the football coach Urban Meyer. The story is that 2 years went by with an assistant coach having committed acts of domestic violence, and Urban knew about it. He got caught in multiple lies at a press conference. There is no argument that people knew, the argument is that this coach brings in $60 million in profit for the school and he wins. He did not commit the crime. This is a problem. Our ethics and morals cannot be put on a scale with profits. Somewhere, in order to create a real lasting social change, a line must be drawn and held. Held against money. Held against the threat of employment. Held against pressures. It's a case of domestic violence, this is not a grey area. It's been covered up. But hey, he does bring in $60 million a year for the University. How much profit is enough? How much more do you need to understand right from wrong?
A few years back when Peyton Manning was at the very end of his NFL career, a story started to break that his injury may be linked to steroids (HGH), he sat down for an interview with Jim Nance. Jim Nance announced that Peyton was a friend, and he was not going to disrespect him with questions of steroids. That to me moved this from a media interview to public relations. There was no content after this. It was a Papa Johns pizza commercial to present a clean generic white guy being held up for admiration. These are the stories that lead to fake news. This is not all media. But there is much money and power at play behind the stories in much of mainstream. I grew up in a generation cynical of what we are being fed in print and television. I want our national standards back (or more accurately, to be established). Is that wrong?
7/12/18 An Eye Opening Incident
PART I: the incident
A broken system failed me. This is how people wind up dead. I don't wish to post every detail, but my firsthand account opened my very white male eyes (which I thought were pretty open already). I was patient, understanding, and treating everyone kindly in this journey. I know what it's like to work in a job clogged with red tape, I do it every day in Mental Health and Addiction for the Homeless. I had an experience on the 4th of July. Someone who I have not seen in 10 years, and barely spoken to in almost 20 years just showed up at the end of my driveway midday. They were not invited, I did not know they were even in the city. After just moments of talking, I knew something was wrong. This person has a long history of mental illness. The delusions were obvious, they were extensive, and there was no reasoning that could happen. I heard all the classic government and religious paranoia. The torture. The secret service targeting him, the classic stalking and recording of his every move. The sexual abuse, the sexual pervasiveness of his delusions. He was highly focused on my wife and son. People he barely knows. He wanted my son to read his journal. A journal filled with almost unreadable dialogue about being terrorized, abused, and punished. I did not let that happen. I am ok in this situation- I did not feel in danger, my wife and son were not ok. They were scared. I kept them inside. He had not taken his medications in many months.
For almost 3 hours I attempted to work through the situation on my porch with every intervention I knew. I tried to suggest plans, enforce boundaries, set limits- and most importantly, I listened. I understand. I work with many people. I have no urgent need to hurt someone in pain. I did not feel in danger, and I kept everyone away. And make no mistake about it, mental illness is painful. No matter what I tried, I failed. Sometimes we just cannot do anything. I called the police, they came. They understood he was not ok, but because he made no threats to anyone, he could not be forced to go to the hospital for an evaluation. He chose not to follow a plan that I laid out to help him. He walked away. He was homeless, had nowhere to go, extremely delusional- and just walked away. The day goes on with us eating and going to our neighbors. I was exhausted, my son and I came home early. I fell asleep watching tv. I know, I am an exciting person right? 11pm, my wife comes in from walking home and I can hear the fear in her voice that someone is outside the house. The creepiest thing in the world is when you do not feel safe in your own home at night. It only gets worse when you can see someone just on the edge of the dark moving. He had returned.
PART II: the system
We called the police again. They came fairly fast and picked him up. Earlier, in processing this situation with my wife and son, my wife wanted an order of protection. I agreed to look into it. After he returned that night, it was first on my agenda. I again have to leave out all the little details, but here is what I experienced. One, we had no idea what the police did with him that night. Two, the last we knew he was living about 3 hours away. That was many years ago. He told me he had nowhere to live in Rochester. I told him I would help him if he tried my plan to help himself. He chose not to do that. So I called into work the next day to go look into the Order of Protection. I started on the county website, and drove into the city. The information, and place to go get help was flat out wrong. I had to go over to court. In filing, I had to verbally tell a clerk through a window in an open waiting room my situation. No privacy at all. I was lucky I got there early, it became super-crowded. I heard stories of stalking, children exposed to brutality, and listened to a woman with her jaw wired shut try to tell her story- in full detail, in the waiting room. 90 minutes of waiting later I was taken back to a room for a parole officer to write up the order to present to a judge. They were short staffed after the holiday, so they had officers doing the paperwork. I asked questions, he had no answers. By the time I was moved to the court waiting area, there were at least 15-20 people in the first waiting area. In the new waiting area I was met first by a researcher that asked me to participate in a survey for a local University. Sure, why not? I don't know this person, I just had a traumatic event, I'd love to answer questions in a waiting room. Then (again in a wide open waiting room) I was approached by a woman and a "trainee" from a Domestic Violence center. She explained the court process, and what I could expect. She could not answer any of my questions, but she offered to go to court with me. She told me what I would expect from the judge. She was wrong. I got called and went in to court. I told the judge why I was there. The judge focused on what actual threats were made. I explained that there were none, he just simply would not leave. I had his journal with me, she did not want to see it. I explained that this person wanted to "save" my son, and expressed in detail how my son was in danger to be raped, and recorded by the government. The judge said "Did he say he was going to do this?" I responded no. She said "That's not against the law." ok. my son is 14. I felt like I had done something wrong to be standing in this court. She granted the order. I was supposed to have how the order works explained to me, and given a choice of how it is served to the person. It has to be served to be violated. They explained nothing. I waited for about 30 minutes in the hall. It's not a wait room, but it is a wait room. While I waited, I was sitting between a young teenage girl with her mother, and her sister with a girl about 4 years old. I was not nosy, but it was hard to ignore as the teen girl was antagonizing her sister. Obviously they were there for family court. This was very hard to listen to, there's a 4-year old child listening to this teen call her mother a bitch and other colorful names. Not a court guard in sight. What a bad idea to have people on opposing sides wait in the same place right?. Finally a lady comes out, says not one word, and hands me the order of protection paperwork. 3.5 hours, but I have it. I head home.
Just as I get home I get a phone call. It's a social worker from the hospital who wants to know what happened to have the police bring this person in for evaluation. Because, well- he's there being evaluated. I explain it all, and the order of protection. ok. Now I know where he is, so I can follow the directions on the court forms. I explained to the social worker that he has to get the paperwork. ok. I hang up, call the local police (per instructions on where the person is to be served). Wrong place, I have to call the city police. I call the city police. That's not how this is done sir, you call 911. They get the paperwork and serve it. ok. I call 911. No, we need you to drive it to the hospital, see if the public safety office will serve it- on the far side of the city. If not, call 911 and we will send an officer . Fine. It's literally 97 degrees out, but back in the car. I am in hour 4 of this, but dammit! I am getting this done. I go to the hospital. I go into emergency (as they told me he was in psych ED). The place is literally jammed to the gills. 50 or more people. I talk to security in a closet office, he has to ask someone. ok. I wait outside of the emergency waiting room (because no way was I staying there) in the parking valet area. Next guard comes up. He needs to call a supervisor. ok. He comes back and has to go speak to someone in the mental health inpatient area. I'm about 45 minutes in, but ok. The social worker who I spoke to earlier comes back with the guard. No sir, we cannot allow that to be served on our property. It's not appropriate for the patients well-being. ok. Even though I spoke to you about an hour earlier, and you were fine with this, and its a court order? no sir. ok. I tell them I can't just leave. I have this chance to serve him. I have been doing this all day, and specifically appealed with "Can you just throw me a bone here? It's really about my wife and son." I explain that I was directed by 911 to call the 911 (irony?) if they would not serve the order. ok. I call. I tell the dispatcher that I will wait outside the Emergency room doors so I could be found by the officer. It's 97 degrees. I hate hot muggy weather. I have not eaten. I have had very little to drink, and I am now entering hour 5. I wait an hour. Outside. In the heat. I call again. Sir we are in the middle of a shift change, someone will be there soon. ok. another hour, this is hour 6- and I see an officer. I am drenched in sweat. I would mostly likely murder someone for a cold drink. He takes the form, and has me wait. About 20 minutes later he comes back. Papers in hand. It's private property, they do not want to upset the patient. They do not feel this is an appropriate time. ok. So he is already in the hospital. They do not want to upset him? Is there a better place? Maybe my house? This is my shot, there is no address to serve him. ok. I give myself credit. I asked for help. I followed the rules. I have no interest in hurting this person who scared the $#@%! out of my wife and son. This is the only place I know he will be, and all along the way the system failed.
7 hours. I do have the order, but it is un-served. He can be served if he shows up at my house. Really. That's what I was told. The officer signed off on the attempt, but that is all I have to show. Was he dangerous? I did not get that feeling- but when someone believes that they have been tortured, they are paranoid, delusional- and desperate...who knows what can happen? That is unpredictable. Anyone in mental health knows that is not a good situation. No one can know what will happen. Is the hospital going to protect my family? Will they be responsible if something happens? Who has the rights here, and what is the ultimate line to not cross?
PART III: the effects
I work in mental health. I understand the system. I believe in human rights. For a few hours after this, all I could say is "This is how people wind up dead". I know he has rights. Do I? Where does that show? All of these people are failing in a broken system. The justice system, the law enforcement system, and the mental health system. Anyone along the way could have stood up and done something to make this easier. I do. Instead, every person passed the buck. Someone else would take care of this. I learned a lot. Domestic Violence is already a subject that makes me very angry. The male system makes me angry. The absolute hopelessness that I have seen, and saw that day makes me angry. The fact that I know the system, I have a car, I have income, I have knowledge, I could go here and there and do whatever it takes to feel safe in my own god-damned home. I am an adult. I'm professional. I have empathy, and I understand limits. But every step failed for me. Each failure built into a frustration that can destroy anyone who has less resources than I do. It should not be this hard for any person to feel safe from someone who has caused, or can cause harm. I overheard endless stories of threats, stalking, beatings, bruises, hair pulling. Abuses at home, in the street, on the job. THIS. IS. NOT. OK. I'm a man that feels he can protect himself. I can handle situations. But in this situation because the system failed, I have failed my family. That inherent safety was taken away, and it won't come back.
Part IV: Update 11/21/18
I submitted the paperwork to the upstate mental health facility in September. After a short back and forth, I've been in a holding pattern waiting to hear the order of protection has been served. I emailed the facility social worker, and the same day I received a reply. The reply said that my nephew was aware of the order, he did not want to discuss it, and that the "legal team" agreed it was not in his best interest to serve the order. Oh, and he "will be getting out in a few weeks". So, if I did not reach out, she would never have told me that it was not served.
This has been an amazing and frustrating process. I immediately contacted the court, they will have it served. I have no faith, and to my nephew who may read this:
I understand you are struggling with mental illness. I'm not mad, I do not hold a grudge. That said, your illness does NOT give you any right or any allowance to frighten my wife and my son. You need to own that. That is your doing by not keeping up with medications and treatment, and abusing alcohol and drugs. None of that will help you stabilize. It will further isolate you, and you will lose any grip you have on your life. DO NOT attempt to violate this order, I will press charges. It seems as if you do not understand the effect you have had, and you are not hearing what my family has said to you. Take the time to get yourself well. Stabilize, follow a plan to get well. Down the road of recovery, if you still feel the need to reach out you can. But not while you are in the grip of delusion.
6/28/18 John Lewis
Has America been made great in the last 18 months? Are we seeing more money, more jobs, more international deals? Are we viewed better? Are we safer? Less gun violence? Are we socially happier? Have we made any educational or scientific breakthroughs? Do people feel stronger, wiser, more in touch with the government? Do we feel represented for what we need? What exactly has been made "great"? Look to your heroes, then go be one yourself...
"Do not get lost in a sea of despair. Be hopeful. Be optimistic. Our struggle is not the struggle of a day, a week, a month, or a year. It is the struggle of a lifetime. Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble." -John Lewis
4/10/18 The Holocaust
I spent a few days reworking old drawings about the Holocaust this weekend. In the late 1990's I had a complete sketchbook with only the holocaust as the subject. I worked on it night and day. It really took over and changed me, and the research that I did was traumatizing. Annually I try to do a few works for Yom HaShoah. This past weekend as I worked, I was watching documentaries, prepping more art work for Wednesday and Thursdays Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance day). My goal is another 4 artworks by Thursday 4/12. I have not always been the best at understanding issues. My youth made me numb, but I've grown up and focused a lot on the Holocaust and the civil rights movement, as there is nothing else like it in modern history. People of my generation (and before) grew up with the annual Holocaust movie on TV. We knew the stories. My father served in WWII, and delivered heavy Machinery to Bergen-Belsen. Currently there is a resurgence of intolerance and outright hate running loose in our land. There is a right time to pick a side and have a voice. However you make yourself heard, is how you fight. This is how I do it.
4/7/18 The Beauty & The Ugly
It’s funny how many people (some I know, some internet strangers) send me messages of support thinking that I am painting my suffering. While I do draw on much of my own experiences and understanding, I have become a genuinely happy person. I work with parts of my community that experience the worst of this life, and still keep going. That pain, that adversity, and that fight is what inspires me in my subject matter and style. I guess my art style is always in flux, but my focus of the darker corners of humanity is the constant. I just choose to show it and not hide it away. The opposite of beauty is ugly, but in a way it’s the existence of that ugliness that allows the beauty to be. What is the real difference?
3/12/18 Weekend Thoughts
A couple of weekend questions that came up from quiet art making time and streaming binges. First, why do people whisper when they allude/say/blurt out beliefs that are bigoted? I'll be talking to someone and suddenly they go to a low whisper slur (or borderline language) in talking about black people, gay and lesbians, women. Similar to those bigots that are in hiding, and when they are exposed they back peddle (I didn't mean it that way, its a joke, you are too sensitive...). If you believe it, and cant own it; then there is a problem with that belief. Two, why with hauntings and possessions do they just end? Why cant the haunting/possession continue until the Today show gets there? Why is it only just enough to get noticed, and then over? I think we all know why. Third, why do so many people fight so hard for the whales/wolves/lions- but rarely share the same passion for the people in the community that are suffering just as much?
3/5/2018 Social Media
Trying out more social media. Not because I'm all about me, I just want to share my artwork. I love what I do. I'd like to find more people who just love their art. Find work that inspires me, work that is different. Artists that are different. One aspect of social media that I am very disappointed with is the abundance of fake accounts and fake people. People that want to monetize everything. That do not join for the social or art aspect, but for PR and greed. It's obvious, it's shallow, and it butts into my ability to share. If I go to an art sharing site, I do not want your porn, your million dollar ideas, or your fitness tips. No, everything is not art. Is everything medicine? Is everything technology? Of course not. You can't ram your attempts at connections into every corner. Every field has creativity, but every field is not art. Many years ago, a very well known and influential illustrator (Brad Holland) wrote an essay that highlighted how everyone was now an "artist", except the actual artists. Art had just seen yet another bout of being maligned, "useless" to "produce" in the modern age. Ideas are not to be a commodity. Ideas are to push our global society in a direction. To assist in understanding, comprehending, and developing us in our world. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'm just getting old.
2/20/18 Art Notes
I have been on an obsessive art creation streak. Over the last 5 months, I have created nearly 100 artworks. Its as if I am chasing something, and just when it's in reach; I miss it. This is different from previous productive years. I would make art and see all the flaws in the final image, then start a new work. The quality is much higher now, but it still misses the marks.
2/17/18 School Shooting
Another week, another mass school shooting. I keep hearing about mental illness, and let's not jump to conclusions about gun control. I want my son alive. I want him and his teachers to focus on education. Instead they are focusing on daily trauma, and procedures for "active shooters". Our priorities are broken. Our morality is missing. It is all about stuffing as much money in your pockets while you can. So, all I have is my voice, my art, and my vote. None of which will go to anyone not focused on ending this murder and embarrassment.
1/29/18 American Bigotry
What has played out with "Make America Great Again", is simply unleashing our national hidden bigotry. But it has not really been hidden from those it has affected. Our "greatness" was never great to anyone who was not a white male. I don't say this with a white guilt complex, I say this because you can never know where you are going if you do not know where you have been. I do not see a problem in acknowledging our history of racism and sexism, in order to dismantle the machine that oppresses those that are not male, white, and rich. I benefit from this system, which is why I work in social services for those with homes, without a means of support, and who have repeatedly been cast out by our system. It's why I go an extra few equalizing steps, it's why I make a lot of art- even work that appears non-threatening- but always has my beliefs embedded. It is not taking from others to even out the system, it empowers everyone to achieve a better society for us all. Capital T truth.
1/3/18 American Shame
Last night I went to bed with the so-called leader of the United States taunting North Korea on twitter that his nuclear button was "bigger and works". We are currently under the thumb of a person who is not fit, or mentally capable of leading any nation, especially one that can wage war the likes of the United States. I don't want to go to bed or wake up with the thought of nuclear war. Do you?
11/21/17 The Struggle
I have become a very productive, but very isolated artist. I'm not sure that I could intelligently talk to anyone anymore about what it is I am pursuing in my artwork. The base loves of lighting, narratives, and textures still remain, but conveying that in a dialogue no longer seems a viable choice. I am in a dogged pursuit of something that I cannot see. The changes that I have gone through artistically in the past 3 years with the inclusion of complete digital, hands on combined with digital, and photography have altered my production into a breakneck speed. What my intentions are with artwork have not been able to keep up. I could not do this type of digital application without the previous 30 years of hands on exploration. Digital artwork is amazing, but not without the struggle of getting your hands dirty with materials. I am simply going to embrace becoming the art hermit that I have always wanted to be, I can now aim to become the Walt Whitman of art.
If you are a bad person while living, I don't think death should bring a level of censored respect and praise. Death does not wash away the sins of life.
When people in our lives begin to die, some of us take our lives into other directions. Sometimes, those directions are unexpected. Other branches than what we have experienced previously. Some of those branches lead nowhere, they are just a tangle of lost limbs. But some lead us to a spot higher on the tree. We won’t know where they go until we follow it away. It is better to have tried, than to have missed the opportunity. For those left behind it hurts. It hurts to grow old without growing. And it hurts too, to leave your only known past behind.
10/10/17 Take a Knee
Taking a knee during the national anthem is a right of protest in our country. If you cannot choose to protest the way you want (peacefully), then we are not free. It is a protest of an all too obvious institutional racism that keeps non-whites down. I’m white, I know it exists. So, 2 things: 1) if you have been shouting that it’s not about racism- you are wrong. This is not about the flag, or troops- it’s about race. Our current white supremacy administration wants to fool you, and change the narrative. That works to keep your eyes off the real rape and theft they commit, and it keeps the people who have the power to topple the regime divided. Face it, or get out of the way. (2) if you are so much about equality, then you do not understand the difference between equality and equity. Equality is everyone gets the same. Equity is understanding that the starting point is not the same, and adjusting so those behind the equal point have more to truly create equal opportunity. If you have 2 farms, one with good soil, good machinery, and good labor- and one with sour land, no machinery, and no labor; are they equal? If the argument is to move to better land, with what finances? What labor? What goods to create a living? Systemic poverty hurts all races, and creates generations of hopelessness. If you have ever been hopeless, how do you feel when someone wealthy, educated, and connected since birth shouts “pull yourself up by your bootstraps!” It is not an equal start comparing a low middle class white, to anyone non-white in poverty. If you say, oh no...not true. I say you are a blind liar. Every white man who claims they are not racist/misogynistic/homophobic- needs to not just speak up, but act up. And just acting isn’t enough. To make this right you must take it many steps further. If you do not agree with these two concepts, then you too are the problem. And if you counter that with- well what do you do loud mouth white guy? I was not brought up with money. I had no plans for college because I had no role model for education. I hated school, and yet I started college. Still paying on those loans all in my name. I have been working for 20 years in low wage social services trying to make the world better. I make art about my issues. I did not choose money. I have not sought to use the system of inequality, but I benefit from it. I am not pulled over for driving while black. Not been harassed or raped (but nearly every female I know has been). No holocaust, or war in my city. I do not live in the epicenter of crime and drugs. I have made it my life goal to fight for what is right, no matter what is in the way.
If you can’t protest peacefully here in America, then what exactly is America?
8/29/17 Open Letter to the Angry White Guy
Dear resentful angry white guy & disenfranchised white youth. Can we talk? I'm white, so we have that out on the table. I'm not sure (a) why you're angry, and (b) why you're disenfranchised. Being white and male, I don't fear police interaction- even with the jerk cops. I don't fear sexual harassment (I wish! - no I don't) I often get paid well, don't get beat up or murdered for my skin color/sex partners/beliefs, its assumed that I'm educated-not a criminal-fit the religious mold-and my needs are mostly first to be met...always. That's privilege. It means I don't have to pay attention to the same everyday stressors of being gay, black, female, or Muslim. But you know what? I choose to pay attention. My community is my support, and it can be yours too- but not when you choose to see the world the way you do. Filled with rage, hate, and blame. You are disenfranchised because you have done it to yourself. You stepped away, no one made you do that. Own up to it. Unclench your fist. You can still be frustrated at the world, I am too. But so is that woman, that black man, that Muslim teen- see, it's easier to confront those life issues with a group. You just picked the wrong group. There is much more to be found with your community than with nazis and the kkk. That's a dead end. There's no magic jobs returning that you never had, no sleazy sexual innuendo that's going to get any female to love you and stay, no hate filled nazi armband will make you feel more like a man when you feel like child inside, and certainly- no law/act/wall that will stop us from joining together. Because that IS America. The hate filled side has already lost, they just haven't realized it yet. Reality isn't their strong suit.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, from one white guy to some other white guys, you have a choice to make- you can join in and automatically feel SO much better (I promise), because in all of history- hate always loses; or you can stay the course. Stay angry, depressed, unfulfilled, uniformed, and regretting your life. That last part will happen, and if you don't start really thinking- it will be too late to do anything about it.
Written as a response to today's White House non-statement to the Minnesota Islamic mosque bombing on 8/5/17. Today they announced that (without any evidence from any source) it may be a "false flag". The cry of the conspiracist. I grew up with a lot of presidential BS. At times I questioned the choices. I may have supported some, argued against others. Never have I felt the way I am feeling now as a citizen. Embarrassed is not enough. Scared is not enough. Shocked is not enough. I honestly question the mental health and well being of our leaders and their supporters. It is hate driven. Unless action is quickly taken, this will all slide towards a terrible destructive conclusion. I doubt many will even see this comment, but it is increasingly hard to go about your everyday life when the sheer pain inflicted upon the core of our country doubles every day. I fully expect a large scale strike on DPRK as a pissing contest. Maybe thousands will die, maybe more. For what? Ego. To avoid treason? To distract the masses? To create fear and cement power? This blood will be on every Americans hands. Supporter or not, unless action is taken. Disagree if you want, but the wounded animal is in a corner. Politics are rough, this isn't politics. Politics are tough situations resolved with carefully thought out choices. Do good, be good, think good. None of that is happening here, and it honestly hurts me where I have never been hurt. In my pride as a citizen.
Imagine yourself as a child. Most kids grow up with some family issues to deal with, some small- some large. Now imagine being a young child and everything you are told does not match the reality you see and feel. EVERYTHING. Imagine how much that would affect you as you get older. What would it do to your social skills? Your self-esteem? Your relationships, jobs, education? Growing up in an alcoholic household affects the rest of your life, and bears a very strong resemblance to the effects of a household in Domestic Violence (physical and emotional). All that you think, you see, you feel, and what you do- is questioned. You spend the rest of your life trying to make the puzzle pieces fit. They don't. You are better off just starting a new puzzle.
If you get hung up on words, you are going to let a lot of evil people through. Because they are the first to learn the words to smuggle their evil shit through- Patton Oswalt
Words shape the way we think.
"Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny." -Lao Tsu
(I stole this, but believe in it)
9 things to give up if you want to be happy:
2. Limiting beliefs
3. Blaming others
4. Negative self-talk/thoughts
5. Dwelling on the past
6. Resistance to change
7. The need to impress others
8. The need to always be right
9. The need for others approval
6/5/17 The Outside Inside
On or about of October 2005, I saw a special on creepy world destinations. One place really caught my attention: Xochimilco, San Lorenzo, Ciudad de México- better known as the “Island of the Dolls”. I am a skeptic through and through, but the mystery and magic of monsters in the world has had a grip on me from the time I was a wee tot. This island has the standard legend of the little girl who died, and the odd isolated caretaker of the island. But the story turns when people began leaving dolls at the island. Hanging from trees, nailed to sheds, tied and bound- all rotting away from the non-stop barrage of weather and time. At the same time I started to develop a fascination of old abandoned structures. Asylums, schools, military bases, hospitals- all caught my artistic eye. I had long been making mixed media drawings about moments lost in time. Small forgotten interactions. Words, expressions, feelings. I held a fear after my father passed away in 1993 that people would never know about lives lived, we would all become some dusty name in a roll call book that no one ever knew.
So, here is where I started. I wanted to make artwork to leave outside. Let the weather have its way, to make my own little island of the dolls, my own abandoned school. Where old thoughts and dreams and fears all intertwined en mass as a victim to time and weather. I started with one painting, and then a few dolls, and then more collected materials. Things that caught my eye, or things I did not want to throw away all made it out to the pile. Then as my son aged it took over part of the wooden structure of his play-set as he outgrew it. At first it was a pile of materials, nothing I would even call art- except as a creepy joke in reference to my neighbors. In the summer of 2016, I took it all apart, and began reassembling the materials into a cohesive idea. I grew up in an alcoholic household, and I have worked in addiction for many years. Decades of my life have been bogged down by a cruise control method of thinking. Detachment was a way of surviving the fears of “feeling”. That was my rudderless direction, the branches of my life. The ups and downs, the mistake of ignorance is bliss. What I learned as I got older, is that the old saying “ignorance is bliss” is a lie. There is no bliss when you ignore a problem, and growing up in a household with 2 alcoholics, even if I am not an addict- created many problems. I wanted all of those entanglements on display. All of life that I missed, and all of the life that I found. A combination of the real fear and disjointed reality of alcoholism, and my life long fascination with the macabre and all that is horror. This creeptacular backyard assemblage is my inside, outside.
Pictures can be viewed on the "Odds & Ends" page of this site
6/1/2017 As it Should Be
If it leads to nowhere, if all is lost; and I too get lost along the way- at least I know I had a map of the world as it should be. I will stay on that trail for myself and for my corner of the world. The disease that has the power cannot touch me.
Inspiration for the day:
If I have not before mentioned this, I work with clients that are homeless with mental health and/or addiction issues. Today I spoke to a client at work. He grew up with a series of his moms boyfriends being verbally and physically abusive. He is a prime candidate to be an abuser. Poor, ignored, and distorted relationships as a home model. He is young, but has been in our program for a number of years. 3 years ago his mother was murdered by her boyfriend. Beaten into a coma for a week before dying. This left my client, barely 20- alone with a drug addicted brother, and a 14 year old sister. What remained of his family all shows the struggle with violence and addiction. The ripple effect. Very few that grow up in this environment avoid becoming abusers themselves to deal with the rage and lack of control, or become addicts to numb and forget. On Mother's Day (2 days ago) he went to his "Aunties", she's not related. Her boyfriend was very drunk and verbally abusing everyone. The more he drank, the more it became physical. The whole house shut down. Accepted it, stared at the floor, fled to other rooms. All except my client. 23 years old, black, no role model family. The kid who with help got into Community College. He got off public assistance (or welfare if you like), works 2 jobs, and helps his sister who is only 17 pay for baby needs and models maturity. That "kid" did not leave. That kid dragged this man outside and it became a physical fight. "I just saw black and thought of my mom" he told me. No one broke it up, and as he said "there was no way I was just going to sit there". It may not have been the best way to handle this, but it sure was the most noble. This is standing up to Domestic Violence. This is being a MAN. This is saying out loud- NOT EVEN ONCE WILL I LET THIS HAPPEN. He is not alone as a survivor of a dysfunctional family. A survivor of public assistance to a better life. This won't be a quiet discussion to end generations of pain, it will be a fight. This kid has the real way to Make America Great.
5/15/17 Acting Up
To survive the times we currently live in requires humor, and a need to create. And by "create", I mean anything. This is the type of climate and daily barrage of negativity that cause everyone to seek out some activity to release the sheer disbelief. Disbelief of audacious lies, all while looking directly at us as citizens. Our democracy is not just at risk, it is in the shredder. Corporations and religion have joined hands to become one large money gobbling rapist of the American citizen. The most at risk are anyone who is not white and male. I'm privileged, but it matters to me because it is threatening to use up and spit out everyone and everything I love dearly. So I write. I write on facebook, and I write to my representatives. I make art. Whether I plan for it to be political or not, that seems to be where it ends up. I am acting up, and acting out...and I'm not ready to finish any time soon.
4/28/17 Plaid for President
What started as a joke out of anger & frustration, became a very serious statement about my country. I decided to run for president. The odds cannot be calculated against me, but I have my reasons...
"The world has waited too long for a voice with fresh ideas and a new approach...we are not scholars who make every effort to understand books. We are artists who apply our knowledge to our lives." (Do nothing [Wu Wei] & Do Everything [Wu Bu Wei] by Qiguang Zhao)
4/7/17 Thoughts, Words, Habits
"Watch your thoughts; for they become words. Watch your words; for they become actions. Watch your actions; for they become habits. Watch your habits; for they become character. Watch your character for it will become your destiny." This is a solid path to finding happiness. It is a reminder to limit negative thinking, and just how fast a thought becomes an action, and that action becomes a habit.
Many people believe that things "just happen" to them. But as you connect more closely to yourself and the realities of who you are (instead of tuning life and feelings out); we are able to see that everything that happens to us is of our own creation.
3/22/17 Art & Culture
The attached article is a very good read on a current heated debate in the Arts. It is a very complex subject, with multiple areas open to debate, and (as shown) to incite anger. Its a debate of artistic style, white objectification of black tragedy, culture, public relations, art history, white guilt, censorship, social responsibility, civil protest, dignity, history, civil rights, cultural appropriation, racism, and freedom. Or is it? It is very difficult to have an objective point of view because every viewer comes with a solid set of baggage.
Awaken your empathy to become a better person, and to take less personally.
I was born in 1968. The same year that Martin Luther King jr. was murdered. The same year that Bobby Kennedy was murdered. The same year that Tommie Smith and John Carlos raised their black gloved fists in solidarity. How would you like me to act when I see rampant bigotry taking over MY country?
It's been a few days of avoiding the ever expanding black hole that announces the choices of our current government. I read a short story on how depressed the average US citizen is right now, how anxiety is becoming the default setting, and how laughing is the only sane response. I'm trying. When you see the law, the land, and the liberty stripped from so many for no other reason than because they are not rich white men- it is hard to laugh. I need all of those others, the variety of ideas and companionship. The wealth of principles and beliefs; to keep me grounded as a human being. I need people who value more than money.
Freedom of speech is lost when no one listens. Reach across the divide. Being for, or against: jobs, safety, immigration, healthcare, gay marriage, crime, body image, gun control, money, global warming, capitalism, pipelines or God- is absolutely meaningless if you do not care about people. Prioritizing the well-being of your fellow men, women, and children makes problem solving simple.
2/16/17 Harlem Renaissance
DRUM by Langston Hughes
Bear in mind
That death is a drum
Till the last worms come
To answer its call,
Till the last stars fall,
Until the last atom
Is no atom at all,
Until time is lost
And there is no air
And space itself
Is nothing nowhere,
Death is a drum,
A signal drum,
I am a big fan of Harlem Renaissance poetry, the rhythm of the words for me are one of the precursors to early (or old school) rap. The period of the early 1980's to early 1990's had great substance, it was the music of the revolution. I know I'm getting old when I hear the pure pointlessness of what rap youth is spouting today. Fake nonsense with only money in mind. Whether stars (of all kinds) like it or not, they have a social responsibility. They speak to and for millions who have no voice. Anything short of trying to express the anxiety, the love, the needs, or the dreams of the voiceless is simply superficial crap destined to become a false nostalgia.
Fear drove us to where we are, and makes us vulnerable to the worst crimes imaginable. Historically speaking, Safety is never the result of fear; tragedy is the result of fear.
2/8/17 Art & Craft
No, you don't need to make art with the sole intent of sales. That's a craft, although love is certainly involved. Art is following your inside feeling to an end, not to a sale. Most often there is not much risk involved with a craft beyond "Will someone buy this?" Art is risking everything, exposing your safe locked away inside self. When done right, crafts are an excellent creative representation of artistic skill. But Art and Craft are not the same, any more than Life and Death.
2/3/17 Horror Notes
I have been a lifelong fan of Horror/scary movies. I was drawn to the dark because I was living in it. I think when I was a kid, it was the monsters. The fake monsters on screen were not as bad as the real life monsters. Then as a teen, it was the taboo, the gore, and the teen sex. Now it is the deep dark hidden emotions, and the palpable fear. The bleak and quiet hidden feeling that we have to come to terms with each day. Being scared is exciting, it's a rush. Everyone has their movies they enjoy, be it drama, comedy, romance- mine is horror. But horror is one of the genres that creates a heavy judgment against the watcher. Horror fans are the: dark, twisted, unstable, weird, dangerous people that you are told to avoid. I enjoy it because the fear element is fun for me. The monsters, the dark, the unknown, the uncontrollable- is what dominated my childhood in an alcoholic household. This was (and is) a controlled burn for me. There is nothing wrong with enjoying that terror, just as there is nothing wrong with enjoying sappy romance, or startling documentary, or gripping drama. We are all different, and all ok.
1/30/17 I am Muslim
I am a Muslim. The most dangerous kind to our current fascist government, because; I am not actually a Muslim. I'm not even religious. I LOVE my country so much, I would die for it. So much that I can't stand how quickly we have lost our ideals. I love my country, but not the government. We are not perfect, but we are not this disfigured monstrosity led by an orange moron. I. Am. Muslim.
1/27/17 Facebook Hiatus
I am taking a self imposed short hiatus from facebook (except to post art) and the news. In one week what has happened in politics is shocking. The drumbeat of you-know-who's name is non stop. Magazines, news, all over tv in every damn direction. The saturation point of pure negativity, bordering on evil actions is too much. It is like being out on a sunny day when that thick slow cloud rolls by blocking out the sun, except it never stops. I love my country, I would die for it. But, I hate the government that is moving in the polar opposite direction of what America strives to be. This is not freedom, its oppression. I'm ashamed.
1/24/17 Trading Card Concept
I have been watching the show Supernatural. I love the show, how I did not watch before now (12 seasons late) I don't know. But better late than not at all. Anyway, I am in a season where the 4 horsemen are a major set of characters. I love the alternative character ideas, and I decided to focus in on them for a project. I want to make trading card inspired updated versions of not just the 4 horsemen, but also the 7 deadly sins- and maybe one God, and one Satan to make the pack a perfect 13 in number. Nothing like upbeat topics!
1/22/17 Get Over It
My son Asher turned 13 yesterday; and the Women's march in support of women's rights and against our notmypresident Trump stunned everyone with people coming out not only all around the country, but also around the world. The photos are inspiring, and I am so grateful to everyone who participated, you give people like me hope. Turning 13 is a big deal. Asher is a teen, and it only happens once. Chris and I chose to focus on our little corner for the day, but we both supported the march. I have great pride that so many people chose to march for rights, freedom, and ethics. Here is a fantastic article with photos, and the first commenter below the article nails how so many people feel about "getting over it"...
1/16/17 MLK day
Everything you do, you do as a member of a community. It affects you, me, your family, your neighbors, your schools...your actions do more than hurt you. Think before you speak. Think before you act. When you improve YOU, we all improve.
1/2/17 Man in the Arena
I'll start the new year with one of my all time favorite quotes by Teddy Roosevelt, because I'm a quote junkie...
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
12/27/16 Friends & Beliefs
I come from a very skewed view of friendships. I moved 4 times when I was in that key range of 9-15. As you get older, a lot gets in the way of creating new meaningful friendships. Relationships, jobs, schedules, kids- and then beliefs. For most people, beliefs cement as you get older, and you tire of the debate, or at least I do. It seems as if it's getting harder to find people who don't think that they know you after a few meetings (they don't), who don't want to judge you (they do), and don't come with a never-ending set of issues that they are going to thrust upon you.
12/21/16 The Influx of Digital Art
My time in grad school was fairly prolific in art production, I made multiple paintings and drawings a week. Then in my late 20's I was mixed media drawing obsessed, I carried a sketchbook everywhere. I have piles and stacks of art. I wasn't just trying to improve the quality of what I was making, I have always used art to communicate when words have failed me. I thought until about a year ago that I was slowing down. I didn't know if it was my age, or just how it worked with creativity and life pushing its way in each day. But then I found (or finally embraced) mixed media and digital creation. It was like setting off a bomb in my soul. All my studio approaches all at once. Walking, eyes closed up to the cliffs edge, the excitement of living and dying and making art bloomed all over again. Risk and reward, trial and error, all my tools, textures, colors, challenges- are now on the table. Now I know, it wasn't age- it was the boredom of limitation. My brain is always on fire to make my thoughts visual, that rush of creating something is like getting answers to questions you don't yet know.
12/16/16 Notes on Art
Few will bother to read the content of the link below, or even notice it. Even I'm numb to the utter disregard of the arts in the US. There are many professions that are maligned and mistreated, but a lot of people don't even think of art as a profession. "You are so talented" has been my go to joke for years, but not talented enough to even come close to making a living financially. The years of hard work are seen as a scam of the lazy. Hundreds of hours of hard work to create a one-of-a-kind artwork judged against mass-produced Wal-Mart garbage. The artist will always lose the fight for the dollar. Even at the peak of commercial work, I just barely paid my bills. Heck, comics are more popular than ever- and the established legendary artists that made comics are near broke. But it's art, so no one cares. Oh I'll get nice compliments and more, but little else that allows for a total commitment to pursue the arts in this country. People will say I chose this, and stop complaining, and try harder. This right here is the most I have complained. I have always gone to a second profession to live, and outside of that 40 hour work week, outside of family and home care, and many other responsibilities- what's left for me, I soak up every second to make art. And here is the capital T truth, so few survive as long as I have. The creative passion is killed off in order to pay bills and take care of family. Imagine how much passion has been killed? Imagine what we might be if we had support? I'm only still here because I owe my life to it. If art had not taken me over as a creative outlet for a raging, repressed, ill-educated, and misguided lost youth, I may very well be dead or wishing I was. So I go on, for myself and for those lost. I pour a little oil paint on the street curb for my art homies, and wonder how the world may have been different.
12/12/16 My Last Class
I have taught some form of college level art for 20 years. I've had the talent challenged classes and survived. But this fall I was faced with a generation that would only do the bare minimum to complete an assignment. It wasn't about quality, it was about getting it done and expecting praise for anything. I sent email after email that went unread, handed out copies that students wanted me to read to them, and geared the projects to their own personal interests. Nothing created the interest and desire to work diligently. Nothing. I even bluntly told a student "if you don't challenge this level of quality, you will never work in any area of art." I had a student expect an "A" simply for being there and doing something. That was after he told me over and over "This is hard.", and "I wanted to take art because I wanted something relaxing." Art has a stigma that all my action and work won't change, but no god damned way! No way do you (at best) half ass the work, not read the emailed directions, ask me questions answered right in the fucking handouts and expect much of a grade. I know this is running rampant in school. This do nothing and complain until there is some pressure to be given a passing grade to avoid the heat mentality is real, but come on! What on earth is your future going to be like with this mentality? I was distressed by the lack of urgency from an educational standpoint, and the overwhelming apathy towards independent thinking.
I was called "merciless'" by a student because I did not accept her portfolio late on the final day of class. A portfolio deadline that had a strict verbally announced and discussed time- not once, but for 3 consecutive classes prior. A deadline that that was also emailed twice, and placed in bold on the final project handout. Not only did she rarely complete an assignment in 15 weeks, she missed this deadline that allowed students to make up for the ENTIRE semesters missing work by 2.5 hours. And, I was also responsible for damaging her GPA to get into her "dream school".
12/5/16 The Internet
Maybe the end of mankind is not in some disease, or zombies, or nuclear war' may be it's the internet. The raging sheer ignorance that has run unchecked via conspiracy sites will be the fall of Rome. Rome will burn and the astronauts from the fake moon landing will play a fiddle with the pilots creating vapor trails to keep us sedate while we are all consumed.
12/1/16 2016 Election
Anyone who is not nervous about what paths of destruction our president elect will wreak, is just plain ignorant, or willfully blind. Each day has brought a new statement against everything that our country should be about. Yes, we have a lot of problems. Yes, we are too slow to fix them. But we still hold our truths to be self evident. Nothing about our soon to be leader shows any signs of self evaluation and justice for me to support. And no, I will not blindly support any leader simply because they hold a title. You want respect? Fucking earn it.
We are not witnesses, we are participants.
11/ 27/16 New Blog
The start of my fresh new website. My very old and outdated site had a lot of varied writing. I like writing, even if no one reads it. I have been told that I'm "opinionated", "sarcastic" hmm- maybe. Most of what I write and think about is related to some element of my artwork.